By:Linda Sapadin
"The old me lived life in a fog. Life was too much for me. I had four young kids, a husband I hardly ever saw, a mother who was always critical, and no time for myself. I coped with all of this by constantly yelling at my kids, spiking my coffee with scotch (on the sly) and pigging out on comfort food. I was a mess. But I didn't know any other way to handle all the stress.
"The new me is so much better. I'm not perfect by any means but I've definitely emerged from my fog. The kids are older. Things are easier. I can deal with disappointment without going bananas. I can tolerate being upset without turning to food or drink. I've learned a lot and that has helped me be a better person."
Dory was proud of herself as she described the differences between whom she used to be and whom she is now. She felt confident that not only had she become a better person, but also that she would continue to become a new improved person as time went on.
When asked to evaluate how her husband was doing, her response was quite different.
"He's changed too but I don't know that it's for the better. He doesn't understand my needs or the kids' needs. He wants things to go his way. His tolerance for disappointment is close to zero. And he still comes home late, though he usually lets me know now if he'll be late".
"Has he made any changes through the years that are for the better?" I asked.
"Just a few," she responded. "He probably doesn't yell as much as he used to. He still gets stressed and overwhelmed, but probably not as often. Of course, his perspective is different. Anytime I criticize him, he says I'm being too critical. And if I bring up examples of what I mean, he counters with, "I no longer act like that. You're only remembering my mistakes. Give me credit for what I've done!"
Dory's evaluations of her own progress and her husband's progress is typical of many people. We tend to be kinder to ourselves in making attributions (explaining why something happened) and harsher with others.
When we act in a way that we're not proud of, we tend to attribute our own behavior to stress, fatigue, lack of knowledge, inability to cope. But when someone else does a similar thing, we tend to attribute it to a character defect. He's selfish, stupid, intolerant, an idiot or he just doesn't get it.
Judging another's behavior can be tricky, for behavior is influenced by several factors, including:
character (who we are) context (the situation we're in) and temporary factors.
It's easy to underestimate the stress in another person's life, particularly if that person shows his stress by being grumpy. It's easy to overestimate the ability of a person, particularly if you don't understand all the factors that must jell before you make something happen.
We cannot fairly judge another person until we stand in his shoes. If you, like Dory, see more change in yourself than in your spouse, stop and think. You may be making a lopsided judgment, easily forgiving your own shortcomings while nursing a grudge about his.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual and family practice as well as personal coaching. Copyright 2001
