By: Linda Sapadin
In every family, however, there is always some behavior that is so divergent from parental expectations that the child (even when the child is an adult) may be terrified that he or she will be rejected or abandoned.
Here are two stories that illustrate the emotional turmoil that takes place when an adult child discloses things about himself that is very different than what the parents expected. The first is the story of Anna, a 25-year-old lesbian, who comes from an educated, middle-class, religious family. She had been living with her partner for three years, but her family was unaware that the relationship was anything more than that of "good friends." Anna debated for a long time as to whether to "come out" to her parents. She was most worried about the reaction of her mother. "It might kill my mother but it's killing me not to tell her," Anna said. And so she decided to take the risk. As expected, her mother took it hard. First, she didn't believe it. She insisted that her daughter go for medical help and for therapy. She wondered what she had done wrong. She wanted to know if Anna hated men, and if so, was that her father's fault. After many months, she stopped asking her daughter so many questions, but that did not mean that she accepted Anna's sexual orientation. Anna says, "Right now, my mother is ashamed of me and embarrassed by me. I'm very pained by that. But I'm glad I told her. I just couldn't keep who I am a secret from her forever. Perhaps one day she can be proud of me again."
The second is the story of Jared, a 35-year-old doctor who is married with two kids. When Jared realized that his cocaine addiction was jeopardizing his career, his marriage and his life, he decided to enter a rehab program. He thought long and hard about what story to tell his parents. Finally, he decided to tell them the truth.
Their first reaction was shock. My son, the doctor, a drug addict! How could this be? Jared had been a model of respectability his whole life. "It was very hard to tell my parents the truth. I knew that they would be deeply disappointed," said Jared. "But what was my choice? If I told them a lie, I'd have to create a web of lies to cover my first one."
He was very pleased to discover that his mother was nurturing, encouraging him to "just get better." His father, however, had a harder time accepting the whole situation. Even when Jared's rehab was successful, his father was wary. "Whenever he speaks to me now," Jared said, "he's always asking me how I'm doing with an edge in his voice that's wondering - are you back on drugs? He acts as though he forgot everything about me - except the fact that I was an addict. Drugs are now a part of my past. I hope one day my father will see it that way too."
Events that are commonplace in the news (is there a day that passes that we don't learn about someone in the media who is going into rehab or coming out as gay) may nevertheless rock a parent's world. Media events are not the same as one's own personal event. Dealing with the unexpected is a multi-faceted job. Here are the major issues that must be addressed.
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Hear what your child is telling you.
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Deal with your own emotions.
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Be empathetic to what your child is going through.
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Be empathetic to what you are going through.
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Integrate the new knowledge with everything else you know and love about your child.Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. © Copyright 2003
