By: Linda Sapadin
In contrast, I knew a man (more than one, if truth be told) who would rather be hung upside down by his fingernails than say he was sorry. Some people who have an aversion to apologizing will not do so until they absolutely, positively have to. If they're caught red-handed or if they've painted themselves into a corner or if intense pressure is on, then, and only then, do they think of apologizing. Under these circumstances, "I'm sorry" is not a true apology. Rather, it is a self-serving statement, a form of damage control. It neither indicates a change of heart, nor an acknowledgment of what one did. In short, the person still doesn't "get it."When a public figure has been caught with his pants down and spin control has only made things worse, he often resorts to apologizing. Bishop Murphy offered the most recent example of a "too little, too late" apology when he said, last week, how "deeply sorry" he was about the sex abuse scandal in his diocese. It was too little, because all along he had not shown sufficient concern about the victims' plight; it was too late, because his apology was issued after a damning report from the Suffolk County Grand Jury. Whether it's a public figure or a family member or yourself, it's a good idea to understand the difference between an authentic apology and a bogus one. An authentic apology, first and foremost, must acknowledge the hurt you have caused and the harm you have done. The apology needs to come from understanding (knowing what you did was wrong) and empathy (feeling the other person's pain). Your apology is not designed to get you off the hook, but rather to beg the other person's pardon. You are essentially asking, "Will you please forgive me - for my ignorance, my lack of sensitivity, my stupidity, my arrogance?" You put yourself in a humbling position and though you may explain your actions, you do not use your apology to justify them. Whether your apology is accepted or not, does not depend upon how many times you say it, or on the adjectives you put before it ("deeply sorry") but rather on whether the other person is willing to accept it. An apology that is genuine and caring can go a long way toward healing relationships. It not only can bring people closer together but it also has the potential to make the offending party a more aware, more sensitive and more considerate person. There is a world of difference between an authentic apology and a self-serving apology. A self-serving apology is designed to avoid punishment, to get the pressure off of you, or to save your own skin. A bogus apology indicates little understanding of the problem - ("If I've offended anyone, I'm sorry"). It may be evasive - ("I'm sorry for the hurt"- rather than the hurt I've caused). It may actually blame the victim by suggesting that the other person was too sensitive, had no sense of humor, or should be forgiving of me already - ("I've said I'm sorry many times. What else can I do?)Sometimes we don't know until time has passed whether an apology is sincere or not. When there has been betrayal, broken trust, and abandonment, an "I'm sorry" is never enough. Healing can only begin with a recognizing of the wrong, a cleaning house and a subsequent change in attitude and behavior.
© Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples.
