By: Linda Sapadin
But found out what? Intellectually, she knew there wasn't anything that she was covering up. She did her job well. She was well liked. Her principal had even made a point of telling her so at last month's faculty meeting. So what was this sick feeling?
"Damn," said Margaret to no one but herself. "I hate this insecure little kid inside of me. She won't leave me alone. I want to strangle her when she shows up to haunt me -- making me doubt my own worth, making me think that I'm not good enough."
Margaret is certainly not the only competent, responsible person to have early childhood insecurities intrude on her at the most inopportune times. Indeed, this syndrome is so common it has a name -- "the impostor syndrome."
Generally people like Margaret, who dread that one day they are going to be found out, are actually very competent and responsible. That's because they try hard and they care. They couldn't do a poor job even if they wanted to. It's not in their bones. Yet, the insecurities that plagued them in childhood never completely go away. When faced with possible criticism or rejection, the "not good enough" child emerges. Amazingly, this child has the power to take a perfectly qualified, experienced, competent adult and transform her into a person who feels like an empty-headed, vulnerable nitwit.
If you suffer from "impostor syndrome," here's what you need to do:
1. Accept that your insecurities will show up from time to time. As much as you may want to kill off that insecure kid who lives inside of you, you can't. She's there. She's part of you. Be gentle with her. She's petrified that if people notice any of her shortcomings or warts, the world will cave in. So, keep your competent part around to remind her and yourself that you're okay -- even if you're not perfect or you don't know everything.
2. Realize that caring is more important than being right. There may be times when you are wrong. Maybe you didn't follow the rules or go by the books. Perhaps you messed up and didn't do what you were supposed to do. So what! Recall all the times you have made a significant difference in someone's life. Remember all the good work you have done. Appreciate how much your caring has meant to others.
3. Develop an ability to laugh at yourself and take yourself less seriously. If you were brought up in a household where a mistake was grounds for humiliation, embarrassment or shame, this may seem like a very hard thing to do. But try it. Instead of feeling absolutely awful that you didn't know something or didn't do a task right, see if you can find the humor in it. Indeed, the funniest thing about us as people are our mistakes, our flaws and our inconsistencies.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual and family therapy as well as personal coaching. Copyright 2001
