By: Linda Sapadin
To illustrate, let us take a look at the newly elected governor of California and notice his response when he was accused of multiple episodes of groping, spanking and pinning women to the wall. First excuse: "None of those women told me I had gone over the line." Duh? This is known as the not guilty excuse by reason of extreme insensitivity and stupidity. Next excuse: "That was a long time ago. I'm different now." Yeah, well prove it. Show us something that makes us believe that you have some second thoughts about what you did. Back up your words with restitution, or at least something concrete that can convince us you've really changed. Next excuse: "It's all dirty politics." Translation: "Cut it out! Stop picking on me. One more accusation and I'll reverse this nasty script and make you guys the villains and me the victim." The voters of California have decided that the Terminator's celebrity and pizzazz have surmounted the problems of bad behavior and insincere apologies. No more need for the Governor to eat crow or to court forgiveness. He's at the top of his game. However, if you are not endowed with unlimited star power and charisma, when you transgress, you will be in a different situation. You will need to be responsible for what you do and how you affect others. You also will have to participate in the act of forgiveness with a sincere apology. Indeed, insincere apologies actually tend to make things worse. Here are the characteristics of an insincere apology:
n
The person is either too flippant, too quick or too slow in acknowledging the wrong.
n
The person lacks empathy and understanding about how his actions have been hurtful to another.
n
Though he may apologize many times, his behavior stays the same.
n
The transgressor does no serious soul searching about his behavior. Instead, his goal is to do whatever it takes to appease the angry party, often plaintively asking, "what do you want me to say or do?"A sincere apology, on the other hand, is quite the opposite.
n
The person apologizes to the other person in an empathetic and timely manner.
n
He recognizes his responsibility to make whatever restitution he can.
n
He changes his future behavior.
n
He does not expect to be forgiven all at once, just because he said he was sorry.
n
He appreciates that forgiveness takes time.
n
He is patient with the healing process and doesn't get angry because the offended party is angry. In life, we are accountable for what we do and need to be active participants in the forgiving process - unless, of course, we are celebrities or politicians or both. Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. Copyright © 2003
