By Linda Sepadin
Think of the worst thing that you have ever done. Maybe it was something fairly recent or maybe it was way back in your past. But don't just settle for a minor faux pas. Instead, keep thinking until you've hit upon something that was really bad.
If you are drawing a blank, if you cannot remember something you did that could have landed you in jail, or that would have mortified you and your loved ones if it had been front page news, congratulations. You are either a saint or very good at repressing what you don't want to remember.
Now, for those of you who do remember some shameful act of yours, how do you explain it? Don't go on reading until you come up with an explanation!
Okay. Now that you have some plausible reason why you did what you did, let me guess what you said. Your explanation probably was similar to one of these: "I had too much to drink," "I was young," "I was high," "I was lonely," "I was angry," "I wasn't thinking," "I went along with the crowd," "It was a stupid impulse," "I didn't know any better," "It was a dare," "I was afraid," "I was in a frenzy," "Someone told me to do it," "I thought I was being cool," or "I was out of my mind."
Now, however, picture someone else doing something similar today. What would be your explanation for the behavior? Being the rational person that you are, you might be tempted to give similar reasons as above. But chances are, your response would be radically different, especially if somebody close to you, like your child or your spouse had done it.
More likely, it would have sounded more like this: "What's the matter with you?," "What kind of a person are you?" "Don't you have any values?," "How could you do that or even think that?" "You're pathetic," "You're not the person I married," "Didn't I teach you anything?" "I can't even look at you," "You gross me out," "You're one sick puppy," "I don't even know who you are."
Why the difference? Though it's not fair, we tend to have harsh value judgments when it comes to judging another's bad behavior. We attribute enduring personality or character traits as the main reason. Yet, with our own lapses, we are more tolerant. Sure, we may feel awful about what we did, but we're more likely to explain it away by citing situational or temporary factors such as, a lapse in judgment, peer pressure, mood or substance abuse.
So, who is right? Is our behavior more influenced by our personality or by the situation we find ourselves in? As much as we would like to believe that we are masters of our domain, studies show that we are much more influenced by situational factors than we would like to believe.
Our readiness to go along with the crowd, to obey authority, to be influenced by moods, to respond to the moment impulsively (rather than thoughtfully) is a truth about human nature that some would prefer to discount. Yet, intuitively we know this is true. Why else would parents be wary when their kids start hanging out with the wrong crowd? Why else would one get leery if a spouse gets too chummy with a friend of the opposite sex? How else can we explain transforming a peaceful civilian into an obedient soldier, ready and able to kill people when ordered to?
Situational factors as well as competing demands often entice us to act differently from the way we would usually act. Furthermore, we are not very good judges of our own propensity to stray from our ideals. Studies show that in many situations, we believe that we will behave much more ethically than we actually do.
So, I ask you in all fairness to take time to reflect on how you judge other people. I hope you will begin to treat the lapses of others (especially those you care for and even those you don't) at least as kindly as you treat your own.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D., is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in helping individuals, families and couples overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. She is the author of Master Your Fears: How to Triumph Over Your Worries and Get On With Your Life (John Wiley, 2004). www.psychwisdom.com Copyright 2005
