By: Linda Sapadin
If it's something you don't care about (i.e. carrying a tune), then it's no big deal. But if you care about it (i.e. you wish you were better organized) or if it's adversely affecting your life (i.e. you can't control your anger once it gets started), then that is what "your work" is.Thinking of it as "your work" is a much more effective approach than:"Believing that this is the way you are and nothing can be done about it, or "Getting frustrated with yourself because you're just "not good enough."With young kids we seem to know about what work they need to do and we accept it without embarrassment or hesitation.Toddling around the kitchen, one-year-old Jen is doing just fine until she gets a bit unsteady, abruptly landing on her derriere. Not quite sure how to react, she looks up at her mom, sees a smiling face and hears a friendly "whoops!" Jen is okay with her fall because her mom is okay with her fall. Neither one is upset because they know that learning to get steady on her feet is Jen's work. She will "get it" with practice.So why is it so different 20 years later when Jen is in yoga class and she's having difficulty with a new move the teacher just introduced. Why does she insist that "I can't do this," when, in fact, she is doing it, but, of course, at a beginner's level? Why does she leave the class, muttering to herself, "I'm no good at this"? How much better it would be if Jen were satisfied and gratified that this new move was her cutting edge work. If she cares about continuing to develop her yoga skills, then mastering this position is "her work." Such an attitude would tone down her frustration, blunt her self-reproach and eliminate unnecessary angst. It would also increase her motivation and eventually her performance and accomplishments. Now imagine for a moment that you had no new work to do, no new skill to learn, no expertise to polish. What would happen if you were without work in your personal life? Boredom, monotony, apathy, tedium, weariness, dullness, doldrums - even depression. Isn't work a better alternative?So, if you are not sure what your work is, here are a few questions to ask yourself. "What is it that you care about and would like to improve?"What would make your life richer, better, less frustrating or just plain more enjoyable?"What do you berate yourself for that you can, with work, actually upgrade? (Doesn't mean you become an expert in this area; simply enhancing your skills is fine.) Your answers could guide you to some engaging work.Alyssa's work was becoming less shy. Roy's work was enhancing his computer skills. Vicki's work was listening before she blurted out whatever was on her mind. Drew's work was waiting in line without getting upset. Lisa's work was becoming a less impulsive shopper. Mike's work was improving his organizational skills. Beth's work was learning more about finances.All these people originally had the attitude that "I can't change these things." Thinking of it as "their work," however, created a whole new mindset for them. Today, they are proud of the work they are doing.Have you identified your work yet? If so, how will you go about doing that work?
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, couples and families. Copyright 2003
