By: Linda Sapadin
I would have liked to have an important job, but it's too late now," she laments. Rick, a 35-year-old man, regrets that he is working in the family business. Since he was a little kid, he was expected to follow in his father's footsteps. "For a guy my age, I'm doing very well. But I'm not sure it's worth it. There are many days that I wonder what I would have become if I didn't take the easy way out."Regrets like these can become an obsession - always thinking about "what could have been." But regrets can also be a constructive force - if you learn from them. Here are a few ways regrets can help you: 1. Use regrets to be self-reflective.Learn from your past. Think about what you regret but don't beat yourself up and don't keep obsessing about it. Let your regrets help you make better decisions in the present and the future. An example: Jane could still get her college degree, even though it would be difficult to do. This truly would be a significant change because the reason she dropped out of school years ago was because she perceived it as too much work. Self-reflecting, Jane concluded that if she wants something badly enough, then how hard she must work to achieve it should not be the defining element. 2. Use regrets as a motivator. "Don't want to do that again" can be a great motivator. Instead of complaining, do something proactive. Regrets can spur you to action so that history does not repeat itself. An example: Rick can still explore other avenues of employment, so that he is not bemoaning his fate in the same way, 10 or 20 years down the line. Or, Rick can stay in the family business but take the business in a new direction. Or, Rick can keep his work the same, but blaze a trail in another area of his life. 3. Anticipate future regrets before you make major decisions.Ponder beforehand what you might regret about your decision if things do not work out as planned. Contemplate an idea, weighing its pros and cons rather than impulsively acting. However, do not overdo the thinking part and underdo the action part. An example: Before Jane matriculates at college, she should consider what she wants to major in. It would be a shame if Jane got her degree in English literature, could not find a job in that field, and then regretted that she did not major in business.4. Use your regrets to learn what's really important to you.If you regret not spending more time with your parents, you know what you need to do. If your parents are deceased, your regrets can still teach you an important lesson: Spend more time with those you love so you won't be repeating that same refrain somewhere down the line. Another example: If you regret that you haven't taken a vacation in a long time, stop regretting and start planning.Regrets, though often painful, may be very helpful to you. Take the time you need to clearly recognize what you regret. Then use this knowledge to find deeper meaning in your life.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, couples and families. © Copyright 2003
