By: Linda Sapadin
However, in more personal areas, Barbara's tendency to analyze, reflect and ruminate about things can backfire on her. Here's what I mean:Two days ago Barbara had an argument with her husband. Today she is still thinking about what he said (and what he really meant by that), about what he didn't say (and what that means) what she said to him (and how he took that) and what she should have said to him (if she only could have been quicker on her feet.)When she gave her husband Marv the third degree about why he said what he said or why he did what he did, he was at a loss for words. He didn't even remember much about the argument. Generally, he's a casual, easy-going guy who doesn't harbor anger and lets go of distress pretty easily. Barbara is still doling out blame, while he's moved on to the next thing. "Yet," he says, "it's been impossible for me not to react to Barbara's constantly picking on me. She gets so haunted by the details of our arguments; it's way out of proportion. I just wish she would ease up and let go."That's not so easy for Barbara to do. Ever since she was a child, she was acutely sensitive to the remarks that her friends made. She remembers several occasions when friends said things to her that were hurtful and she reacted in a more sensitive and vulnerable manner than other kids her age did. She would spend hours reviewing what was said, analyzing the hidden and subtle meanings of a conversation. Barbara had fallen into the trap of giving too much time and too much attention to something that wasn't worth all of the concern. She needs to differentiate between thinking about something and obsessing over it. She needs to distinguish between being upset about something that's happened and making it bigger than life. She needs to accept that some dissections may not be deserving of the time and energy that she puts into it.Analysis of a conversation can be a good thing. Microanalysis can send one into a tailspin. Examining what went wrong in a falling-out can be a good thing. Interrogating the other person - or yourself - repeatedly often creates more ill will than clarity.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist who works with individuals, families and couples. © Copyright 2002
