By: Linda Sapadin
There are all sorts of fears. For some people, they're mostly the fleeting ones. You're nervous about something that's happened or about to happen. You feel anxious, maybe panicky, but after some time you calm down, recognizing that things will be okay.
Then there's the fear that's mingled with excitement. A new job, a new date, a far-away vacation. It's what you've dreamed of and yet...the what ifs are ruining your dream. It takes effort to push the fear to the background and let the excitement be in the foreground, but when you do, it feels so good, so right.
And then there's another kind of fear. The fear that inhabits your soul, pervades your life:
The fear that you just can't face the world. You don't know why it's so hard for you, yet it is.
The fear of being with people. It seems so easy for others, but for you it's exhausting.
The fear of trying something new. Everyone says it's no big deal. Just do it. But they don't know. They don't know what it's like for you. The intensity of the fear. The wish to curl up and die. Sometimes it's just so hard to make it through the day.
This kind of fear is relentless. Life becomes a jangle of nerves, a blur of emotions. You want nothing more than to hide:
Be far away from wherever you are.
Be invisible.
Be silent.
Avoid looking in the mirror.
Hide in a deep thicket of whatever makes you feel numb.
You want to be alone. You don't want anybody to see you:
It's familiar.
It's comforting.
Nobody can criticize you.
You've disappeared.
You choose to be alone, you want to be alone, yet you're feeling abandoned. It doesn't make sense, but what does? You find a way to soothe yourself. It's your unique way to do so. Others wouldn't understand. But for you it works.
Some time later, you're able to emerge from your hiding place. The fear is still there, but you keep yourself busy. You make a stab at having a good day. Today your fear is manageable, though you never know what words or thoughts might throw you off balance.
Still, even after a good day, you wake in the middle of the night. It is quiet. You are alone. You reflect. Your tension grows. The image of what's frightening you eludes you. You must not think. You're confused. A thought comes. The thought vanishes. You don't want to lose it. But you already have.
This is fear in its raw intensity. This is fear without shape or form. This is fear that many people live with every single day.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual and family therapy as well as personal coaching. Copyright 2001
