By: Linda Sepadin
The typical aftermath: an ongoing accumulation of hurt, anger, frustration and disappointment. Here's how Marla describes her experiences: "I feel like I have three children - my 10-year-old son, my 8-year-old daughter and my 38-year-old husband. Fifteen years ago, when I walked down the aisle, I assumed my husband would be the more responsible one, doing whatever he could to take care of me and our children. Boy, was I wrong! He needs a full-time nanny just to take care of him! "I love him but the way he operates drives me up a wall. He forgets things (even things like picking up the kids at school). He's impulsive (when we're ready to leave the house, suddenly he has to make a call). He's always late. And the way he keeps his stuff - well all I can say is, it's an unbelievable mess." Jerry, like many adults who have ADD, was unaware that he had the problem until his son, Steven, was diagnosed with the disorder. He identified with Steven's lack of confidence and frustration with homework. He knew that Steven was bright, but not doing well in school. Oh, how he hated it when Marla lost her cool with Steven. It was so reminiscent of his own childhood: the shame of letting others down, the humiliation of being thought of as a "screw-up," the constant yelling when he forgot to do something. As you can imagine, Marla and Jerry did not have a calm and peaceful marriage. By the time such a couple seeks help for their relationship, there are usually many issues that need to be addressed. Here are the top six:
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Lack of initiative (just tell me what to do, honey).
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Messed up money management, (unpaid bills, impulsive decisions).
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Chaotic clutter (can't find stuff, everything's a mess).
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Poor time estimation (this will only take 10 minutes to do, yeah right!).
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Procrastination (perpetual excuse-making).
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Passive-aggressive behavior (experienced by the non-Add spouse as lying or stonewalling). These issues become especially damaging when the non-ADD spouse interprets the failures of the ADD spouse as signs of not caring. "If I were important to you, you would have taken care of that." "If you really loved me, you would have done what I've repeatedly asked you to do." "If you cared about your kids, you'd be more involved with their homework." These problems continually recycle so that even as the non-ADD spouse is ready to walk out the door, the other one is promising (once again) to do better. Diagnosing ADD as a major component of the problem is not a cop-out nor is it a solution. It's simply a beginning. Old hurts do not just go away. Lack of trust is not easily repaired. Issues still need to be addressed. However, once one understands the nature of ADD, it helps in various ways. Medication, for example, is worth a try. It may or may not make a significant difference. But even if medication helps, other approaches and behavioral changes need to be considered. The ADD spouse needs to learn time management principles, strategies to help oneself stay on task (or promptly return to task) and methods to overcome procrastination. The non-ADD spouse needs to learn to change expectations, be less critical, be more flexible regarding roles and responsibilities and take disappointments less personally. Since many ADD people marry those who are particularly well organized, spouses may resent the idea that they also need to change. Yet for the marriage to work, they must also be part of the change process. If you are seeking more information on Adult ADD, consider these four books:
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"You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy!," by Kelly and Ramundo.
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"A Comprehensive Guide to Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults," by Kathy Nadeau Women with Attention Deficit Disorder," by Sari Solden.
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"It's About Time! The Six Styles of Procrastination and How to Overcome Them." by yours truly, Linda Sapadin. Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice and author of Master Your Fears: How to Triumph Over Your Worries and Get On With Your Life. She specializes in helping individuals, families and couples overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. Please visit her website at www.psychwisdom.com Copyright © 2004.
