By: Linda Sapadin
The more Mike hurts, the more callous he becomes. After his girlfriend dumped him, he developed a facade that nothing can touch him. When a friend told him he didn't need to hide his feelings, Mike responded arrogantly and dismissively. But how to explain that lump in his throat when he watches a love scene in a movie?The more Anita shops, the better she feels - but only for a short time. "I'm a true shop-till-I-drop person," she confesses. "I feel great when I'm on a shopping spree. But when I return home and look at my over-stuffed closet, I feel sick. As much as I shop, I still have that empty feeling inside me that just doesn't go away."When we make something else a substitute for what we really want, it never fully satisfies - no matter how much of it we get.
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Gayle turns to food, but food will never satisfy her feelings of loneliness.
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Mike creates an illusion of toughness, but burying his feelings will never make his hurt go away.
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Anita turns to shopping, but clothes will never pacify her need to feel important.If you are stuck in an unhappy cycle of going after the wrong thing, stop. Take a deep breath. Turn inward. Now think about what you're really missing. Imagine what would make you feel really good. Your response may not seem logical, but since when does logic have much in common with emotions? Your response may not be clear, but since when do tough predicaments have easy answers? When you slow down and take the time to reflect on your life, important insights may become clear to you - sometimes at the strangest moments. Gayle's insight happened at a party with friends. Here's how she described it. "I feel lonely when I'm by myself but I also feel lonely when I'm with friends. I need to stop worrying all the time about every little thing I'm feeling and just recognize and accept that I'm a good enough person. Then maybe I can relax and enjoy myself instead of always feeling anxious."Mike's insight occurred during a jog through the woods. "I loved. I lost. I hurt. I'm angry. I'm ashamed. I don't like being a wall. I'm a sensitive person. I want to be able to feel again."Anita's insight happened after a good cry. "I don't feel important. I don't feel respected. I put all my importance on how I look and how I dress. I want to feel important and respected no matter how I look."If you are looking for the answers in all the wrong places, reflect on what it is that you really want. Once you know that, you can begin to change the path your life is taking. It will take time. It will be hard. But what a difference it can make!Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, couples and families. © Copyright 2003
