by Cris Italia
We used to do all kinds of things as kids, Jason reminisced. We'd go fishing by the creek or play kickball.
Now, 20 years later, Jason says that a 19-year-old hanging around a pack of kids wouldn't be acceptable. We didn't think anything of it, he said of his attacker. He was just someone older that hung out with us, helped us build a tree house.
At age 12 he never thought his world would be turned upside down. Jason was taken advantage of, raped by someone he thought was his friend. As he explains it, society never taught kids about this. You knew not to talk to strangers, you knew what to do if you saw a crime committed, but this was different, said Jason, who chose to maintain his anonymity. Even all these years later, there are some people he will just never tell.
Jason told no one about what happened. He felt a tremendous amount of guilt. I thought I had done something wrong, he said. I thought that I was bad and this was punishment for something I did. And the whole time, I just didn't understand why he did it. Besides feeling guilty, I didn't know how else to feel.
After he was sexually abused, he never saw his attacker again. From then on Jason suffered socially. He kept a close-knit group of friends, but was wary of anyone new. I lost my childhood, he said. A 12-year-old should never have to think about things like that. He should be thinking about being a kid, having fun, school, friends. I didn't have that option.
Even with a healthy family environment, Jason says he was afraid of telling his parents. He kept all of what happened inside, and eventually he was consumed, making it difficult to open up to anyone. As I grew, I wasn't social at all, he said, and sometimes I was forced into situations when I needed to be. When that happened I didn't do well.
He never knew there was help. As a teenager and into his 20s, Jason was a loner, like Clint Eastwood, as he would explain. He missed the innocence of his childhood and says what he put himself through was unjust.
I'll never know what I would have been, he said. I can only say that what happened to me caused all the things I went through growing up, all the guilt I carried with me, all the insecurities. I couldn't trust people.
Now Jason directs his energy and his experience in a different way. He helps kids. As a member of several child-assistance organizations, he finds strength and resolve in making a difference. I've been liberated of the guilt, he said. I'm an empowered individual, and I always think positively.
Jason says that when he meets others who have experienced what he has, the feelings are always the same. It's always the same thing, and you can put a kid through psycho therapy, but they are going to feel what they feel no matter what, he said. It's just what every kid is going to feel if this happens to them, but it's not their fault.
Jason prospered because of a supportive family and good friends. It was just a matter of people telling me that I was good, that I was a good person, he said. The whole time I just thought if bad things happened to me I deserved it, but that wasn't true.
It's so important for parents to have open communication.
Even though Jason has made tremendous strides, he says he still suffers in relationships. There are long periods of shyness, and he struggles to keep a relationship together. I look at what happened and I know at least I'm wiser for it, he said. With any traumatic incident you have to learn to accept it, and I have.
