By: Linda Sapadin
Jerry is a competent, caring, intelligent 46-year-old - most of the time. When he gets angry, however, he yells, curses, kicks and is infuriated by how unfairly he's been treated. Do you identify with Marion or Jerry's anger episodes? In the past month, have you felt mad, resentful, furious, pissed off, irate, or enraged? If your answer is yes, then your anger is quite intense. If your answer is no, have you felt upset, bothered, hassled, annoyed, frustrated, or irritated? If your answer is still no, then you are a saint and you can stop reading this column right now. As I'm sure you already know, anger is a natural, normal emotion. But like all emotions if you experience anger too frequently or too intensely, you can severely damage your health, relationships and self-esteem. Though you may be quite levelheaded in most situations, if you periodically lose your cool, it's time to learn how to deal with your anger more effectively. Here are a few suggestions: 1. Recognize when you are feeling angry before it reaches an intensity where you lose control and snap. If you imagine an anger meter of 1-10, your goal would be to keep your anger at a more moderate level - annoyed vs. enraged. 2. Try not to think in ways that raise your anger level. Righteous indignation (how dare he), a false sense of entitlement (I deserve better), perfectionism (it shouldn't be that way) and envy (why can't I have what she has) will escalate your anger very quickly. 3. Try thinking in ways that lower your anger level. Acceptance (it's OK), flexibility (I'll give it a try), understanding (she has a lot on her plate) and being less intense (it's not the worst thing in the world) will diminish your anger, preventing it from escalating to full-fledged fury. 4. Know what types of comments or situations push your buttons and try to re-interpret those situations in a more benevolent manner. For instance, if a friend forgets your birthday, you may think she is ignoring you, insulting you or demeaning your worth. Who wouldn't feel angry if those things are true? However, give her (and yourself) the benefit of the doubt, by interpreting her goof as carelessness, forgetfulness or being preoccupied. 5. If you want to communicate your anger to someone, do it when your anger level is moderate. If you wait till you are out of control, chances are the other person will not even hear your point, but will, instead, be responding to the way you are acting. What I am suggesting is easier said than done. Yet, you probably can give yourself (and your loved ones) no greater gift than modifying the way you express your anger.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist who works with individuals, couples and families. © Copyright 2002
