By: Linda Sapadin
Here's an example of a typical interaction that leaves both people feeling defeated and helpless.
She: I put so much effort into trying to make this marriage work but you are just not there for me the way I want you to be. I want someone whom I can talk to, a man who will listen. I'm so frustrated trying to get you to communicate, to tell me what you're feeling, to be there with me and for me.
He: You blame me for everything. I don't know why you're so angry with me. It's hard for me to share my feelings but you certainly don't make it any easier. You jump down my throat as soon as I say something you don't agree with. Many times I don't want to say anything because it'll probably be the wrong thing and that will start another fight.
She: You should know by now what sets me off. How many times do I have to repeat myself? You act like you're the victim and I'm the witch that's persecuting you. If you really cared about me, you would want to please me; I wouldn't have to keep nagging you all the time about the same old thing. You just want me to shut up and accept everything you do. I'll tell you right now, that's not going to happen.
He: I can't win.
He withdraws into silence. Her anger continues to fester.
Obviously, dialogue like this is not productive. It's a variation of the blame game, with nothing new being said, nothing new being tried. Just another fire that he tries to put out and even if he's successful for the moment, he won't be in the long run.
Meaningful change will not take place if his goal is simply to placate her anger. She won't be satisfied and neither will he. Meaningful change happens only if both parties willingly agree to it and each party is willing to be part of the change process. Change, in these situations, could mean that she changes her expectations, he changes his behavior, she reduces the intensity of her emotional response, he changes his reactions to her.
When change is demanded, it is not effective or long-lasting for a very simple reason. Each one of us has a stubborn and defiant part that resists being molded to someone else's view of how we should be or how we should live life. We can't make somebody be different. We can only work to gain the other person's cooperation and then discuss with each other how to create a different dynamic.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist who works with individuals, couples and families,
