By: Linda Sepadin
What woman has not been exasperated by her man's refusal to admit that he's done something wrong - until he is absolutely painted into a corner?What woman has not been perplexed by her man's bullheadedness in refusing to ask for directions - when he clearly does not know where he is or where's he's going? What woman has not been hurt by her man's resistance to apologize or to express remorse for what he has done or not done?You are not alone in wondering what is going on in the opaque brain of your man. Other women are just as confused as you are.You may have assumed that your man, (as wonderful as he was when you met him) is really neurotic or insecure or has a severe character flaw or is not playing with a full deck. But before you conclude any of those things, entertain the possibility that he is simply a man, much like other men who view certain aspects of life in a different way from you.Mistakes? Ignorance? Weakness? For a woman, these vulnerabilities are not hard to admit. Indeed, I know women who say, "I'm sorry" many times a day. Perhaps they didn't anticipate a friend's need, or they missed the shot on the tennis court, or they don't know how to program their VCR. Admitting such weakness is no skin off their back. In fact, in a paradoxical kind of way, it tends to embellish self-esteem and enhance relationships.But for a man, admitting mistakes, revealing ignorance or displaying weakness is viewed in a very different manner. A mistake is not simply a mistake. It is a symbolic manifestation of vulnerability and failing which cripples his self-esteem and diminishes his relationships (or so he believes). Hence, when men are put on the spot, they will do what they are used to doing from boyhood to protect themselves - skirt the issue, dance around the topic, dodge the bullet, evade the question, double-talk, attack the attacker or simply lie.All of this makes sense if you appreciate that the male psyche is founded on heroically achieving, meeting challenges, staying the course, toughing it out, riding through the storm, going it alone if need be. An embattled holdout is better than admitting fault. A facade of strength is preferable to showing a soft underbelly. A pretense of wizardry is superior to admitting, "I'm just a man." A "fake it till you make it" far outweighs confessing ignorance. So, women, next time your man frustrates you by his inability to admit a mistake, tell the truth or say he's sorry, don't judge him as a hopelessly flawed human being. Though some aspects of the male psyche may seem foreign to you, understanding them can explain a lot of behavior that otherwise you may simply judge as unacceptable, unreasonable and unfair.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D., is a psychologist in private practice and author of Master Your Fears: How to Triumph Over Your Worries and Get On With Your Life. She invites you to Meet the Author night at Barnes & Noble, Carle Place, Long Island on Thursday, Oct. 26 at 7:30 p.m. For more information call (516) 741-9850 or (516) 791-2780. Copyright,© 2004
