By: Linda Sapadin
Mark remembers being frequently blamed, shamed, and humiliated when he was a kid - for the smallest infractions. "Those zingers hurled at me still stay with me," he confessed. "There are times when I make a mistake and I feel like a complete idiot. It's true even though I know that, objectively speaking, I'm a well accomplished guy."
Oh my God! Look at that mess. I just finished cleaning the kitchen and now I have to do it again. You kids create so much work for me." Marianne was raised in an overly child-centered family. The kids' needs were paramount and mom and dad worked hard to "give them every advantage" without requiring any responsibility except "to do well in school." Hence when mistakes were made, the kids were off the hook. It was mom or dad who paid the consequences.
"Oh, what a mess! The sponge is on the counter. Please clean it up and next time try to be more careful so the cereal doesn't go all over the place."Pat was raised in a nurturing family. Mistakes were no big deal. But, if you made one, you didn't get away with it. Pat's parents tried to educate, not humiliate; give consequences, not punishments. "When I make a mistake now," Pat said, "I wonder if there's anything I can do to fix it or to apologize for, and if not, especially if it's not a big deal, I just let it go."How parents deal with children's mistakes has a huge influence on their kids' self-esteem, maturity, dependability and competence - now and in the future.In a blame-oriented family, the emphasis is on blame, not solution. What's even worse is when the blame takes the form of character assassination, labeling kids as "stupid," "liar," "untrustworthy." No wonder they grow up feeling bad about themselves and unsure about how to proceed in life.In an overly child-centered family, the child is not taught to be accountable. The kid makes the mess, the parent cleans it up. The child doesn't do his homework, dad does it for him. The teen gets a parking ticket, mom pays it. The child lives in a fake world. No wonder these children grow up expecting things to be given to them without any effort on their part. In a solution-oriented family, the emphasis is not only on accountability but also on learning something from your mistakes. Errors or blunders are not blown out of proportion. Parents' attitudes are that mistakes can happen when people are young, careless, rushed, busy, tired, excited or simply not paying attention. Mistakes can be corrected without an attack on the child's personality. Kids who grow up in this nurturing environment generally feel pretty good about themselves. They also learn a lot about how to correct the mistakes they make.If you blame and shame your child for his mistakes or if you protect your child from the consequences of his mistakes, don't be surprised if your kid grows up troubled, anxious, irresponsible or uncooperative.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, couples and families. © Copyright 2002
