By Linda Sapadin, Ph. D.
Gloria had always thought of herself as a good girl, a helpful girl - a girl who made sure she acted "appropriately," who did not pout and was not mean.
"It wasn't until I became much older that I realized I am none of those things. And yet,
in some way I am all of those things."
Instilled in Gloria's psyche is a "model of helpfulness." She wants to be there for others. She hates saying "no." She considers herself "wrong" when she thinks of herself first. "I should be selfless," she believed.
So what was this strange feeling that challenged her every belief about herself? One warm evening, in the middle of dinner, she had become very still. Her husband didn't know what was wrong. Her children looked at her. She quietly said, "I've had enough," and went to her room. There she was free to stare into space and weep. "A good mother does not do such a thing," she had thought. "And yet, I'm doing it."
A week later, she confessed to feeling a bit depressed and maybe angry. She thought she was getting to the bottom of things by speaking "about" the feeling. Still, her tone of voice and her words were "feminine" and "appropriate." She knew nothing about the rage that was lurking beneath.
Two days later, however, the rage made itself known. "Why doesn't anyone listen to me?" she screamed. "Why doesn't anyone know I hurt?"
In the sudden, overwhelming silence that followed this outburst, she immediately regretted what she had said. "I shouldn't have lost my temper. It's not their fault. They're good children and my husband is a good man."
It took a long time for Gloria to accept these negative feelings without seeing herself as wrong and as selfish. Like many women brought up in her generation, she assumed that asserting herself would somehow be harmful to her family. Her model of helpfulness had left her defenseless, unable to set limits, to express feelings or to show her vulnerability.
"I used to think of myself as being so together," she said. "Now I know I was just out of touch. But that is the way the women I knew lived. We lived a pretense. We lived a lie. We did not question. We served. If we were upset, we shrugged our shoulders and went on with the day. This generation is so different. They cannot imagine what it was like for us."
Today, Gloria tries very hard to be honest with herself. When she wants to be helpful, she is. When she wants to say "no," she does. Sometimes, she says no politely, like "thank you for asking, but my answer is no." Sometimes, she says no with a distinct edge in her voice, as though she's upset with the person for even asking. At those times, she still feels a twang of guilt, but she's able to let go of the guilt fairly quickly.
These days, as a result of her new assertiveness, Gloria feels more genuine about herself. She also takes better care of herself--which does not mean that she isn't helpful, caring or concerned about others.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual and family therapy as well as personal coaching.
