Or, despite the passage of decades, does it seem as if things are pretty much the same as they were when you were a kid?58-year-old Doris and her 32-year-old daughter Danielle have been having the same painful disagreements for the last 20 years. Here's what they describe:Doris: "Danielle hardly ever calls me. When I call her, she takes days to get back to me. She complains that I meddle in her affairs when all I'm trying to do is be helpful. If I offer her any advice from my life experiences, she thinks I'm being critical. Can't a mother tell an adult daughter anything?"Danielle: "My mother gets me so worked up. She's always telling me what I should do. She's very opinionated. If it's not her way, it's not the right way. She gives me the same advice repeatedly and says she's only doing it because she loves me. It feels more like control than love. If she really loves me, can't she let me live my own life?"When Danielle grumbles about her mom, her friends validate her take on it: "You've got a right to live your life the way you want to. Your mom's a control freak; she should back off." Yet, when mom gripes to her friends about her daughter's attitude, she also gets validated: "You've got a right to tell her what you think. After all, you are her mother."Many parent-child struggles can continue way past childhood, tainting an otherwise fine relationship. In order for an adult relationship to evolve, both parties need to update the way they relate to each other. Here are a few suggestions that can help the process:
For Mom:
Give up the idea that it is your job to set your adult child straight. You may offer your opinion, but remember, opinions are your take on the matter. They are not facts. For example, if you believe your daughter could improve her appearance by dressing better, that's your opinion. It's meddling to continue to pressure her to dress the way you think she should. There is a difference between giving your opinion once and repeatedly pressuring your daughter to do things your way. Expect sparks to fly if you do not respect your daughter as a separate being with her own style and her own mind.You may believe that you're inspiring your daughter to do better by comparing her to other people her age. Comparisons like these, however, are usually hurtful and unfair. They suggest that your daughter is not good enough as is and that the other person is the 'model' daughter. Just imagine how you would feel if your daughter compared you to another mother, suggesting that you should live your life the way this mom does. Doesn't feel too good, does it?
For Daughter:
Don't always interpret every comment your mother makes as yet another criticism. It's likely that your mom is feeling powerless in her relationship with you. Giving you advice is one way that she may be holding on to a relationship that seems to be slipping away from her. Taking care of you has been her job for decades. Her current remarks may simply be her way of still looking out for your best interests, as she sees it. So, you can thank her for her interest, then do exactly as you please. Remember, you're an adult now. Don't be hungry for your mother's approval. She may not really understand nor appreciate the way you live your life. That's okay. As an adult, you shouldn't be needing her blessing for what you do in order for you to feel okay about yourself. If your mother's words have more impact on you than you would like, recognize that it's time for you to do some work on becoming more independent and self-reliant.Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. Copyright © 2006
