By: Linda Sapadin
1. Talking out loud when you are alone is not a sign of craziness. Rather, it is a sign of an active, alert mind. We not only need to think about things but we also need to hear
ourselves think. Especially if you live alone or with someone who doesn't give significance to what you're saying anyway, it's important for you to give voice to your thoughts. Be expressive! Listen to your own words! Don't live in silence!
2. There is a difference between knowledge and wisdom. Just because you have information or knowledge about how to do something does not necessarily mean that it is wise to let this be known. It's sometimes a good idea to develop the ability to
not know how to do something or to
not know the right answer. This strategy may not only improve your relationships but also will most surely make your life easier (you won't be orchestrating everything) and more interesting (you'll be surprised at other ways people get things done).
3. College kids and early twenty-somethings are "baby" adults. They may act as though they're confident; yet, most have not developed the knowledge, self-confidence, communication and courage that they will possess in just a few short years. They know an awful lot about kid culture, rules and know-how. But they don't know much about adult culture, rules and know-how. Their position reminds me of times I've traveled to a foreign country where I need to figure out a whole lot of things on my own. Even the simplest things, like how to use the train or how much an item costs can create a major challenge.
4. Saying everything you think or telling a loved one everything you feel is not "just being honest." It's often "just being hurtful." Good relationships require us to think before we speak and to exercise restraint and good judgment, especially when we know that the other person is sensitive or vulnerable in a particular area.
5. The context of a comment or action is very significant in interpreting its meaning. Let's say your friend Arlene tells her husband, "Forget it! No way am I going to meet you in the city tonight. I've got other plans and I'm not canceling them." If this is a friend who is usually very accommodating and easily buckles under, you may view her action with "way to go, girl!" enthusiasm. However, if this is a friend who is usually self-centered and rigid, you might view her response as one more instance of her negative, inflexible personality.
5. If you feel confused between what a person says and what he does, pay attention to what he does (or doesn't do). Words are easy and are often spoken in haste to end an argument. Actions require time, effort and energy.
6. It's easier, much easier, to have a "live and let live" attitude toward people you do not live with. This is one reason that relationships with our kids at college often improve when they are away at school and worsen when they return home.
7. Emotional responses and logical responses are usually not on the same page. It may make no sense at all to worry about things you can't control, or to get angry at someone for an honest mistake he's made. Yet, people feel these ways whether they make "sense" or not. If someone you know is feeling upset, it's usually a poor idea to respond right away with logic. If you do, you'll likely receive a counter response such as, "I know you're right, but..." or "You just don't understand." Responses that show empathy and caring, on the other hand, go a long way toward cushioning the negative emotions as well as feeling understood.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual and family therapy as well as personal coaching. Copyright 2002
