Myth #1: To improve a relationship, you need two people who are constantly working at it. Myth #2: Relationships cannot get better unless you have more communication. Myth #3: Meaningful change has to be obvious, dramatic and discernible.
These myths are incorrect, untrue, mistaken! Which is not to say that they may not have a grain of truth to them. But take them as dogma and they are way more harmful than good. Let me explain about reality. Reality #1: Two people who are constantly working at improving a relationship exhaust themselves. They are overly attentive to what is "wrong" with the relationship and forget about having fun, going with the flow, letting things go. Anything that feels like "constant work" becomes heavy and burdensome, which people intuitively rebel against. Reality #2: More communication often means more arguments, more analysis, more ranting and raving about a disagreement until it gets transformed into a crisis. More communication is not always better communication. Many times, in fact, less is more. Reality #3: Important, meaningful and positive changes may be happening in a relationship. Yet if you are busy, short of patience or expecting a radical change, you may not even notice those small changes. Too bad! People don't metamorphose into other beings; but they can and do make honest efforts to alter or modify some behavior.
If you are to give up these myths, you need new ideas to replace them. Here are three for you to ponder. Idea #1: Give importance to your relationship but don't always think about it as "work." Learning new relationship skills can actually be fun, enjoyable, interesting and informative. And there's nothing wrong with just being together casually without "working" on anything. Idea #2: More communication may either improve or hinder the growth of a relationship. It depends a lot upon the objective. Communication that goes on and on is often destructive if its underlying goal is to control the other person ("let me explain it to you again so you'll see things the way I do"). Idea #3: Because most changes happen gradually, not dramatically, we are frequently unaware of the other person's efforts to alter his behavior. Even if an annoying behavior keeps occurring (i.e., inappropriate anger), it's important to validate the changed effort if it's happening less frequently or less intensely.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual and family therapy as well as personal coaching. Copyright 2001
