By:Linda Sapadin
Now that school is over, you would think that most kids would be delighted. However, there's a surprising number of youth (ranging from honor students to problem students) whose litany of complaints do not stop just because school has stopped.
"There's nothing to do." "I'm bored," "Life sucks," "Camp is stupid," "I hate Long Island." These kids view their lives as dull, tiresome, monotonous, miserable, and terribly boring. The only things that they seem to look forward to is the chance to get "high," "drunk out of their minds," "go shopping" or "have sex."
Despite having multimedia entertainment available to them in their very own rooms, they report being constantly bored, alienated and disconnected from just about everything. It's as though they are waiting to get out of this "damn town" (wherever they live) while daring someone to prove to them that life is worth living.
Though many of these youths grudgingly comply with what their parents want them to do, (i.e. go to camp, get a job, take a summer course), they are not pleased or grateful to be doing these things. These planned activities do not excite them. Nothing lights their fire. It's just one more thing they have to
do to get through the endless days of their miserable lives.
Why should this be so? Why should so many kids who have been given so much feel like they have so little? As with all complex problems, there are no simple answers. But one important element that I think we underestimate is that many kids have little or no experience initiating
meaningful, challenging, focused activity.
Of course parents and teachers complain about that very kind of thing. Why don't they take the initiative to do their homework, clean up their rooms, take care of their clothes? What most adults don't give importance to, however, is that these activities are not what they want to be doing. They're experienced as "have-to's" -- kind of like adults cleaning up the kitchen. You do it because it has to be done but there's no great joy in doing it, and to make matters worse, the next day it has to be done all over again.
The things that kids do initiate, parents are not thrilled about. Hanging out with friends, obtaining fake ID, making a connection to buy the latest designer drug, figuring out whose parents won't be home for the weekend.
These kinds of activities do require some initiation but they are not in a context of working toward a goal that requires any serious concentration or challenge over a period of time.
Adults have taken over organizing and supervising almost all youth activities. From play dates to sports, it's been the parents that have initiated the programs for their kids. Some of this is great, particularly when kids are younger. But too much of this deprives kids of learning how to organize, plan, create, implement their own goals.
If you have been trying everything possible to get your teen interested in an activity, stop trying so hard. Instead, notice what motivates your child without any pushing from you. Perhaps it's writing music, or arguing that pot should be legalized or complaining that they don't have any money to do what they want to do.
Instead of seeing these things as absurd, encourage your kid to initiate an activity that just might make a difference in their lives. If your teen has the motivation, encourage him to get the direction and to clarify the goal. The idea is not to push him into another alienating activity but to get him self-propelled into an activity that builds skills, self-esteem and pride.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual and family therapy as well as personal coaching. Copyright 2001
