By Jerry Burke
I am a drug addict. It's true. Sometimes it is hard for me to admit my weakness, but all the doctors I've seen over the years tell me that admitting it is the first step toward overcoming this dreaded plight.
So, here it goes. I am a smoker. I am also a joker, not so much a midnight toker (since college, at least), but the titles of picker, grinner, lover and sinner would also be applicable to my situation. However, those are not my immediate vices, and ergo, shall be ignored for the time being.
I could go on for days (and have) about why I partake in an activity that kills an estimated 440,000 Americans each year, according to U.S. Surgeon General Richard H. Carmona. It's completely selfish and self-mutilating at the same time. But, man, it is tough to quit. And I've always prided myself on not being a quitter. So there.
But the time is near, or at least a lot nearer than the other 562 times I've said that before. If only the government had $130 billion dollars on hand to help me and the millions of other ashtray-smelling morons break this cycle of full-flavored, satisfying death.
(Just as an aside: If children are reading this, never smoke. Never. It is the single dumbest thing you can do. Oh, sure, cocaine and heroin are beyond stupid, but because they kill you so much quicker, you'll end up spending a lot less over the course of your lifetime.)
But lo! It appears just as those greedy no-good jerkheads known as Big Tobacco were moments away from spending just that $130 billion over 25 years on smoking secession programs, someone stepped in.
Yes, our brave Department of Justice, the warriors of fair-play who make sure our people are protected against threats to our freedom and well-being, caved in like Dom DeLuise at Chinese buffet.
Instead of going after the full monty, they settled for $10 billion, which, if you do the math, is nothing in the face of an industry that costs the United States $157 billion each year in losses ranging from health care to productivity.
How on earth did Big Tobacco manage such a favorable pardon? Could it have been the $113 million the tobacco industry spent on lobbying over the last five years? Or the $41 million (75 percent of all donations) tobacco PACs have given to the large-and-in-charge Republican candidates since 1990? Or maybe the $6.3 million is soft money they shelled out between 1997 and 2002 and the $1.5 million they gave to GOP conventions and the Bush-Cheney inauguration celebrations?
Naw, that couldn't have been it. And you'd be a fool and a communist to believe so.
Speaking of smoking, I would also like to give my condolences to the sick men and women in 10 states who now face federal prosecution for using doctor-prescribed marijuana to ease the pain and nausea of cancer, AIDS and other such terrible diseases.
The 6-3 Supreme Court decision that said federal law upends state laws (all of which were voted on by the public, and what do they know anyway?) was the wrong choice, but for the right reasons. Basically, the liberals and moderates were joined by control-freak Anton Scalia in saying no to legal medicinal pot because of federal commerce laws (actually, Scalia just likes watching people suffer), but urged that all of this silliness could be put to rest with simple revision of the Controlled Substances Act, switching reefer from Schedule I (no medicinal value) status to Schedule II (some medicinal value).
Which means Congress would have to get involved. Which means don't hold your breath, even though recent polls show the American public overwhelmingly in favor of allowing pot to be smoked by dying people. When has the will of the people ever been a factor in determining the course of Congress?
The real enemy of change in this regard is another lobbying favorite, Big Pharmaceuticals. Goodness forbid a naturally grown drug that eases pain and makes emaciated people want to eat be regulated and legal. There's no profit in it. If these nimrods could get aspirin outlawed, they'd do it in favor of their outrageously priced painkillers, which, by the way, happened to be a lot more addictive than pot ever has been.
So once again the corporations whose money greases the everyday activities of politicians win at the cost of their constituents. And everything is right with Washington, provided you have more cash than God does.
