By: Jerry Burke
Well, the economy has stalled again, and the dollar is about as strong as the language in a Benji film. Social Security, depending on whom you listen to, is about to collapse. The death toll from the Dec. 26 tsunami is fast approaching 200,000, and disease is setting in.
The hunt for WMD in Iraq is over, and, whoops, there weren't any! Expectations for the Jan. 30 elections in Iraq have been downgraded to a level of importance somewhere between choosing your homecoming queen and taking the Pepsi Challenge. We are a nation at war, with hundreds of our brave men and women dying in what the National Intelligence Council calls the "newest and most successful breeding ground for terrorists." There is no end in sight, and the man responsible for the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, remains free.
What are we, a nation at a crossroads, to do? If you said throw a $40 million party, you might have what it takes to lead this great nation further into the 21st century!
That's right, kids! It's time for the 55th Inaugural Ball, starring Kenny Chesney (who?), Gloria Estefan (what?), the Temptations (why?), Hilary Duff (where?) and Ruben Studdard (huh?). Unfortunately, this A-list of entertainers will not be joined by Kid Rock, whose invite was lost in the mail once planners realized that "rap" songs about pimps and pubic hair may not be putting the best foot forward in the cultural war.
Now, we have been assured that no taxpayer money will be spent on the Bush bash. Instead, the money will come from private companies that make billions off taxpayers. Wall Street companies salivating at the prospect of Social Security's privatization, energy companies swimming in cash thanks to the rollbacks of environmental standards and defense companies making a killing on perpetual war will all be represented, while you and I will watch from afar, unless you have $10,000 lying around for a ticket.
But don't worry about security! The $17.3 million needed for that, separate from the party funds, will be paid for by the Homeland Security grants given to the District of Columbia, which you and I only sort of indirectly paid for.
"This year's theme will be 'Celebrating Freedom, Honoring Service,'" said inaugural chairwoman Jeanne Phillips. "It will be an important display of gratitude to members of the armed services. Each activity reflects our theme. We recognize this time that we are a nation at war."
To that end, the funds that could have been used to armor-plate 700 Humvees and give a $290 bonus to every soldier serving in Iraq will instead make champagne and caviar available to the architects of this great conflict at the Commander-in-Chief Ball, to be held at the National Building Museum Thursday from 7 p.m. to 1 a.m.
In 1945, FDR celebrated his inaugural with cold chicken salad and pound cake. Sucker! Vietnam didn't stop LBJ from living it up in 1965, and we all know how that one ended. So, with rocket-propelled grenades' red glare and roadside bombs bursting in air half a world away, just remember for a few minutes that none of this would be possible without the young soldiers who actually show up when duty calls.
Oh, and don't drink and lobby.
