By:Jerry Burke
Settle down, class! Ms. Rice, spit that gum out now! Mr. Ridge, how many times must I tell you to put those crayons away? Mr. Cheney ... stop looking at me like that, Mr. Cheney. It's creepy.
OK, class, let's review last week's lesson. Now, Mr. Rumsfeld's presentation at the assembly was, to say the least, enlightening. But I, and many of the professors here at the Moynihan Institute for Reality Studies, take issue with some of his responses during the question-and-answer session.
Now, does anyone recall what Donald's answer was when one of the soldiers asked him why they had to rummage through scrap heaps in order to properly armor their vehicles? Anyone? Sigh. All right, boys and girls, pay attention. Donald said, and I quote, "It's a matter of physics. It isn't a matter of money. It isn't a matter on the part of the Army of desire. It's a matter of production and capability of doing it."
Now, does anyone here have any problem with that answer? George W., I see your hand up. Yes, you may go to bathroom.
Anyone else? Fine. After careful consideration, it appears to me that Mr. Rumsfeld's understanding of what exactly "physics" is may be, um, rather limited.
Who here knows what physics is? Mr. Kerik? No, Bernard. That's disgusting. Get out of my classroom. Mr. Powell? Correct, Colin. Physics is the science of matter and energy and their interactions. It will be sad to see you leave at the end of the semester, Colin.
A few hundred years ago, a man named Isaac Newton got the ball rolling on the study of modern physics. Literally. He stated three laws that, in a perfect system, are always true. The first law is that an object at rest tends to stay at rest, and an object in motion tends to stay in motion unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. Now, let's say there's a company that produces armor for vehicles. Yes, Mr. Cheney, only one company. Well, whose fault is that, Richard? Missile defense system indeed!
Now, this one company is in motion and, according to Newton, it will continue to move in one direction at a constant rate unless something comes along to change it. What was that, Mr. Rumsfeld? No, Donald, they aren't doing the best they can. You need to do you homework more often. The company said last week that it can increase output 20 percent if it's acted on by an unbalanced force, which in this case, Donald, is money.
This leads us to Newton's second law, which states that the magnitude of acceleration is directly proportional to the net force applied, and inversely proportional to the mass of the object. Which means, as we saw with George W.'s belated intervention on the 9/11 commission bill, the harder you push, the faster something goes. The bigger the object, Donald, the harder you have to push.
Finally, Newton devised a third law. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Now, while this law of physics was completely ignored by Donald and his project group in planning the invasion of Iraq (as demonstrated by the Iraqis' inability to accept their "freedom"), we might assume they would have learned from such an error by now.
No such luck. Almost a year and a half after the invasion, the soldiers involved are reacting to Mr. Rumsfeld's inaction. You should have seen it coming, Donald. You are on very thin ice, young man.
That's all we have time for today, class. Your assignment for next week will be to critique Mr. Gonzalez's report, "The Geneva Convention and Other Quaint International Laws." Mr. Snow, can I see you after class? There seems to be a problem with funds missing from the class treasury. The rest of you are dismissed.
