By: Jerry Burke
But now, in truly American fashion, Dobson has become the biggest joke in the nation. His foundation, which has bravely fought against the "homosexual agenda" for years, has finally met its match.
The match lives in a pineapple under the seas. Absorbent and porous and yellow is he. And if you know a child between the ages of 1 and 10 (or a stoner between 18 and, oh, 56), you know of whom I speak. Dobson and his posse are fighting against the release of a cartoon video promoting tolerance of all people, set to air on PBS in March, starring, among others, SpongeBob SquarePants.
In Dobson's opinion, SpongeBob is gay. His evidence: SpongeBob, who is a bachelor, holds hands with his "friend" Patrick, a pink starfish. His favorite television show is "The Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy." Unconfirmed reports also note that SpongeBob may have been watching "Steel Magnolias" instead of Super Bowl XXXVIII last year.
Because of his appearance in the video entitled "We Are Family," on which kids' entertainment figures from the bilingual Dora the Explorer (note that I said "bilingual," thank you) to the insipidly cheery Barney the Dinosaur sing and dance to teach kids that everyone has the right to be who they are, Focus on the Family is livid! Disgusted! Tired of having their traditional values trampled on by an imaginary piece of spongia officinalis dressed in traditional Oktoberfest garb!
And they wonder why "elitist snobs" laugh at them. It's a dang cartoon, for crying out loud! Scooby Doo didn't make me a pothead. Yosemite Sam doesn't make me want to blow things up with TNT. And while Betty occasionally induced some unnatural thoughts in my childhood mind, I never believed that severe head trauma was the only answer for Fred Flintstone's multiple-personality syndrome.
Dobson and his ilk are plain whacked for calling their organization Focus on the Family. Instead of focusing on real problems facing real families, like poverty or the lack of health care, they sit in news studios being interviewed about the sexual preferences of fictional characters. Whose family is that helping, other than, financially, F.F.'s own?
In his book, "The Strong Willed Child," Dobson compares child rearing to training a dog. In a delightful passage, he describes how he treats his defiant puppy, Sigmund Freud, when he's bad. "The ONLY way to make Siggie obey is to threaten him with destruction. Nothing else works," writes Dobson. "I turned and went to my closet and got a small belt to help me 'reason' with Mr. Freud."
Here's some free advice: Ignore people who brag about beating 12-pound wiener dogs, especially when they're giving you guidance on raising your kids.
