By: Linda Sapadin
These are typical complaints of a husband and wife who are happily married. Though they have a loving relationship, these annoying habits, as petty as they may sound, often create much tension and frustration. "I love my wife dearly," says Jack, a 36-year-old systems analyst, "But I can't stand how messy she is. I'm not a neat freak, but I need some order in my life. When I come home from work, I don't want to trip over toys or search the house for my mail or pick up junk from the table before I can sit down and eat. I don't see why it's so hard to do those things. I've told my wife how annoying her habits are to me. She says she'll try to change, but nothing changes. What should I do?"His wife, Fran, responds: "Jack has plenty of annoying habits that bother me, too, and he doesn't do anything about them either. For instance, if he's looking for something that he can't find, he asks me in this irritated voice, "where is it?" as though I'm the one who misplaced it. And why are the kids' toys my responsibility? Why can't he pick them up or get the kids to do it? He acts as though everything that isn't right in the house is my fault. That's ridiculous."Living with someone, even the best someone in the whole world, always has its difficult moments. Unless you choose to live alone, you've got to take the person you live with, basically "as is." It doesn't mean that the other person shouldn't change any of his habits to please you, but it does mean that even if your hubby picks up his underwear right away, something else will probably get on your nerves - if you let it.One of the reasons it's so hard to change our habits, even when we would like to, is that, for the most part, we do them without conscious awareness. Fran doesn't leave the cap off the toothpaste to annoy Jack. She's just got a million and one things to attend to and putting the cap back on doesn't even come close to making her A list. Hence, if it bothers Jack enough, he would be better off if he simply put the cap on himself rather than feel resentful.Next time your loved one does something to annoy you, remember that some things you do are surely annoying to your loved one. Do you want to be berated for your careless habits? Do you want to spend your time arguing about petty little differences that in the larger scheme of things mean absolutely nothing? Rather than criticizing from your strengths (the things you do well) and defending your weaknesses (the things that are hard for you), how about beginning a new family pattern in which you and your love admire each other's strengths while accepting each other's weaknesses.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, couples and families. © Copyright 2002
