One little word

Yet, when you have to be home by 6 p.m., you feel put upon, bristle with resentment, maybe even harbor an attitude from hell.One little word. Yet such a difference. Why should this be so?"Have to" implies coercion. Someone is making you do it. You hate having to do what somebody else thinks you "should" do. Hence, what "has to be done" does you in.  This applies to so many areas of life. Do you have to cook, or do you want to cook?  Do you have to get yourself organized, or do you want to get yourself organized? Do you have to go to work, or do you want to go to work?Your first response might be, I don't want to do any of those things. Yet, think again.Reflect on how good you feel when your family is together around the dinner table. Or think about how much healthier it is. Or how much money you save rather than eating out all the time.Let's be honest and admit that it feels better to have a space that is tidy and clean rather than one that is cluttered and chaotic. Think of the pride you will feel when you can locate a tool without going nuts. Or find your glasses. Or know where your keys are.What about work? You may not want to go to work every single day, but do you really want to be unemployed, dependent on others or unable to afford your lifestyle? And if you find that you definitely dislike going to work all the time, that would be a good signal for you to stop complaining about what you have to do, and recognize that you want to look for a different job.Even if it's something that you wouldn't do if somebody didn't expect you to do it, (like holiday shopping for non-shoppers), it's still better to want to do it (to get it over and done with) rather than grumble about having to do it.Before I end this article I have to tell you (oops, I want to tell you) about two other words to watch out for.Which do you think would make a chore easier to tackle? Telling yourself, "I must make that call today" or "I choose to make that call today."Which do you think would influence you to be less resistant? Telling yourself, "I should eat healthier" or "I could eat healthier."Okay, now you know the drill. Each time you contemplate saying I "have to," I "must," I "should," see if you can let go of these self-imposed orders by replacing them with I "want to," I "choose to" or I "could."One little word often makes one big difference.Linda Sapadin, Ph.D., is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in helping individuals, families and couples overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. She can be reached by e-mail at DrSapadin@aol.com. To read additional columns, visit www.psychwisdom.comCopyright 2005.