By: Linda Sapadin
These parents, who never really grew up themselves, often give birth to children with the expectation that the kids' job is to make them happy. The costs of growing up in such a household are often not experienced till years later. Nancy was 34-years-old and exhausted. Despite being a very competent woman, she was thinking that life was just too difficult. She was feeling depressed and upset with herself, crying even if there was no good reason to. She was having trouble getting out of bed in the morning, feeling that she couldn't face going to her job. And oh yes, one more thing, she was embarrassed that she was making her husband unhappy with her unhappiness. Finally, after one particularly miserable weekend, she decided to see if therapy could help. At first, she was reluctant to tell her story, but once she got started, it was as though the dam broke. Everything came flowing out. When Nancy was 12-years-old, her father died unexpectedly of a heart attack. Her narcissistic, fragile mother acted as though Nancy should step in and take over for her husband who "had promised me he would take care of me for the rest of my life." Nancy quickly realized that she was now a substitute husband who was expected to make her mother happy, proud and protected. The tragedy of her father's death was always focused on "a wife who had lost her husband," never on "a daughter who had lost her father." For a long time, Nancy was comforted by the feeling that she had a very important job to do. She had to take care of her mother. She had to make sure her mother did not get too upset about things and calm her down if she did. Most of the time, Nancy handled this job well, despite feeling that she no longer had much time for socializing or after-school activities. When Nancy had a problem of her own, she would try hard to figure out how to handle it by herself. When she did make the mistake of turning to her mother, she invariably regretted it. Somehow, her mother would turn it around so that Nancy's problem was insignificant compared to what "she was doing to her mother" by having this problem. She specifically remembered one very hurtful time when her best friend Jill dumped her for another friend. When she came to her mother crying out for some sympathy, her mother reprimanded her for "making a big deal out of such a little thing" and most confusing of all, Nancy found herself having to comfort her mother for "bothering her." Kids that have inappropriate responsibilities imposed on them early in life usually end up feeling guilty (for having their own problems), confused (when they can't do it all) and exquisitely sensitive to other people's discomfort. To counteract these old, too familiar patterns, what they need to learn is to pay attention to their own needs, to ask and expect assistance from others, and to create a good balance between fun and obligations.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist who works with individuals, couples and families. © Copyright 2002
