By Linda Sapadin, Ph. D
"I don't know what's the matter with my daughter. All I did was to ask her if she had responded to a family wedding invitation and the next thing I know she's rolling her eyes, answering with dripping sarcasm, "What do you think, I'm a moron?"
"What did I do wrong? Why do I have to watch what I say to her all the time?" Sandra was obviously agitated. "Yes," she told her daughter Lori, "You are a moron for talking to your mother that way. What's the matter with you?"
Lori lashed back. "I'm 25 years old. Don't talk to me like that. Butt out! I'm perfectly capable of handling my own life, thank you."
"I'm your mother. You just remember that and show some respect."
What's going on here? Why are mother and daughter so steamed up over a seemingly innocuous question? Why do so many talks between people who care for each other deteriorate into hurtful attacks?
Most often, the answer has something to do with pushing a button that is tied to your identity. By identity. I mean how you view yourself and how you expect others to view you. Sandra's identity is very connected to "doing the right thing," "being a caring and concerned person." So when Sandra asked her daughter about responding to the invitation, in her mind, she was just being a good, caring parent.
Lori obviously interpreted the whole interaction quite differently. Lori's identity is very connected to being viewed as "a competent adult" who can "handle things on her own." Her buttons were pushed big time because she believed her mother was attacking her competency. Thus, what might have been an innocuous question to someone else, became an insult to Lori.
Sandra's angst was intense not only because Lori was being rude but also because, she, the loving mother who had devoted the better part of her life to her daughter, was now being told to "butt out." This comment triggered an uncontrollable surge of anxiety. Butt out of her daughter's life? Her daughter was her life! She would have no meaning in her life, if her daughter was not part of it. It made no sense to her at all to be told to butt out.
Wow! How easily a simple comment can turn into an anguished assault. So what's a person to do?
Here are two suggestions:
First of all, become aware of your own sensitivities. Recognize in advance what can provoke an instant insult for you. Is it an attack on your capability? Your importance in the family? Your worth in the outside world? Your belief that you're being discarded? Once you know your vulnerability, you can work to strengthen yourself from within so that you're not so easily thrown off balance when someone says something hurtful to you. Or, even if you are thrown off balance, you can regain your equilibrium fairly quickly, preventing a major escalation of the conflict.
Secondly, you need to become aware of the type of comments you might be making that hurt someone else in a way you might not have imagined. Now it's real easy to say, well she shouldn't be so sensitive, or she should know I don't mean any harm. But she is sensitive in this area, just like you are sensitive in another area. When you are hurting, it's often difficult to remember that the other person may also be grappling with something that you said--even though your intentions were good.
To learn more about how to Care For and Nurture Successful Relationships, join me at my Sunday seminar at Hofstra University on Oct. 22nd. Or, if you are interested in How to Stop Worrying and Overcome Your Fears, join me on Oct. 29th. For more information about these programs, call 463-5993.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual and family therapy as well as personal coaching.
