¥Where will you be?
¥How can I reach you?
¥Who is the adult in charge?
¥What's his or her name?
¥Who else is attending this event?
¥What will you be doing there?
¥When will you be at home?
"Unless you ask the question, you will never get the answer," Wilmes said.
Use Teens & Alcohol series tag
pt hed: Crash course in halting drug use
Drophead: Expert speaks at Merrick Ave. Middle School
By Scott Brinton
David Wilmes jokingly referred to his talk last Thursday as "battle training for parenthood." But for sure, there was a deadly serious undertone to his humor.
Wilmes, director of St. Paul Youth Services in Minnesota, literally wrote the book on how parents can stop their kids from doing drugs. It's titled "Parenting for Prevention," and since its publication in 1989, it has sold more than 250,000 copies. Wilmes presented the best wisdom from "Parenting" in a two-hour seminar at Merrick Avenue Middle School on Jan. 20.
The Bellmore-Merrick Community Wellness Council, Community Parent Center, and the Bellmore, Merrick, North Bellmore, North Merrick and Central High school districts sponsored the forum, which more than 100 parents and residents attended.
Much of Wilmes's talk centered on debunking long-held myths among parents. Foremost among them is the idea that allowing teenagers to drink in a controlled environment will prevent them from getting into trouble with alcohol or other drugs later in life.
More and more parents, Wilmes noted, are letting their teenagers drink at weddings and dinner parties. Many are even hosting keg parties at home for their teenagers, believing kids are going to drink anyway, so they might as well do it in a "safe" place. According to one study cited by Wilmes, 65 percent of 10th-graders reported that their parents allowed them to drink in two or more situations. A third of sixth-graders said the same.
Wilmes pointed out that wherever parents set the standard for their children's behavior, the kids will challenge it by one, two or three notches. So, he said, simply because parents are letting their kids hold an alcohol party at home doesn't mean they won't drink elsewhere. In fact, he said, they're more prone to do so.
Wilmes compared substance abuse to driving on the highway. If the speed limit is 55 mph, people tend to go 60, 65 or 70. If it's 65, they may drive as fast as 80. If kids are told they can drink, he said, they're more likely to try marijuana. If they're allowed to dabble in pot, they're more apt to snort cocaine. It's human nature to challenge authority, no matter how restrictive or permissive, Wilmes said.
Parents, he believes, have a "moral obligation" to say no when their children want to drink or do other drugs. That doesn't mean young people won't get into substance abuse. But if the bar is set at such a strict standard, kids are far less likely to engage in the type of dangerous abuse that leads to addiction, perhaps jail, even accidental death or suicide.
"It's possible to take a firm no-use position...," Wilmes said. "We adults have to be together on this. ... The underage drinking thing is a reflection of us, the adults. As long as a certain percentage of our parents are continuing to allow [substance abuse], it will remain a huge, huge problem."
Wilmes noted that the longer young people stay away from drugs as they mature, the less likely they are to develop addiction problems later in life. Forty-seven percent of young people who try alcohol for the first time at age 13 will develop a substance-abuse problem in adulthood, he said. But with time, the risk of addiction decreases. Only 17 percent of 19-year-olds and 10 percent of 21-year-olds who try alcohol for the first time will eventually get hooked.
Wilmes said that keeping kids away from drugs during their teenage years is critical to their emotional growth. He noted that the brain continues to grow and mature through young adulthood. In the past, the mind was thought to stop developing around age 10. After that point, people believed, the brain simply needed to be filled with the facts and figures necessary for survival in adulthood. Recent science, however, indicates that the mind -- in particular the frontal lobe, where the ability to reason develops -- remains fluid, or malleable, until around age 22.
Ten to 12 percent of young people are addicted to drugs by 11th grade, Wilmes said. Another 33 percent or so are using drugs and have faced consequences because of their abuse, such as failure in school, perhaps jail. Another 30 percent are using but have felt no repercussions. And roughly 25 percent don't do drugs at all. Boys are twice as likely to become chemically addicted as girls.
Wilmes said it is important to celebrate young people who don't do drugs, and provide opportunities for them to socialize in a drug-free environment, particularly around "high-risk" events such as homecoming, graduation and proms. It's also critical to maintain effective substance-abuse treatment programs for young people who use drugs.
Most important, Wilmes said, parents must begin to set standards for their children at the earliest ages. Young people must understand the limits of their behavior, and they must face consequences when they get out of line. He noted, though, that consequences must be short and tied to children's behavior. A child might, for example, be grounded for a night -- not several nights or weeks -- for missing a curfew.
Parents should feel they have every right to set limits for their children, Wilmes said. "There are a lot of parents who just don't want to say no to their kids," he said. "They don't want to be the bad guys. It's nice to be friendly with your kids. But being friends is a whole other deal."
Wilmes noted, "Our kids are going to have lots of friends. They're only going to have two parents."
Comments about this story? SBrinton@liherald.com or (516) 569-4000 ext. 203.
