By: Linda Sapadin
If children didn't do what they were "supposed to do," they were often told they were "bad," "stupid" or "unworthy." Punishments were handed out without too much thought and might include a humiliating lecture, a loss of privileges, and perhaps even a slap, a spanking or a whipping. Because most parents were not psychologically sophisticated, they were usually blissfully unaware of the far-reaching effects that their disparaging words or hurtful actions had on their children's psyche.For that generation, parents were the authority; they had the power and control in the family. This model was not unusual for the era - schools, churches and businesses were run with a similar philosophy. Authority reigned supreme; the rules were the rules and those who were the underlings were expected to defer to those in charge. Organizations had little patience for people's "feelings" or for "individual differences." In contrast, many of today's parents have moved to the opposite extreme. They are constantly wondering whether they're doing the "right" thing, ruminating about their children's feelings and worrying about what is the "appropriate" response to their child when he or she misbehaves. Yet, with all this focus on meeting the kids' needs, something is missing. Some adults are so focused on raising their kids differently from the way they were raised, that they miss the point of parenting. Instead of becoming better parents and more helpful authority figures, they end up feeling overwhelmed and victimized by their children. In these homes, the kids take over the power as the parents concede the power. Parents who allow their kids to run the household have become afraid to act like parents. They're apprehensive about saying what they think, scared to make any meaningful punishments and helpless when it comes to enforcing the rules. In short, these parents are parents who are not treated respectfully and have little if any control in their own homes. In their desire to meet their children's needs by being progressive and permissive, they have created a household that is chaotic, confusing and conflicted.There's nothing wrong (and a lot right) with listening to your children and respecting their sensitivities. But don't get caught in the web of self-doubt in which you feel so insecure about your place in the family that you're unable to criticize your children, to communicate expectations, to make decisions or to be treated with respect. In short, don't renege on being a parent. Good parenting, the kind that nurtures and disciplines, the kind that gives respect and gets respect, will never go out of style.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. © Copyright 2002
