My last two columns have been devoted to describing a typical marital conflict - first, from the wife's viewpoint and then from the husband's. With this column, it might seem the ideal time to play Judge Judy by declaring who is right, who is wrong and what the guilty party must do to make reparations.That, however, is not how I like to operate. Nor do I find that model of conflict resolution helpful in such situations. Instead, I will devote this column to expressing some ideas I have developed about the best ways to approach conflict situations.
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Let's begin with an obvious premise - marital relationships are not simple. Indeed, in today's world they are so bafflingly complex and loaded with such high expectations that one good way to begin to improve your relationship is simply by being delighted when it works rather than being disappointed when it doesn't.
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Next, be aware that how you experience your relationship has a lot to do with the stories you tell yourself about what has happened. You may think that a matter is objective, for example, being upset that "he doesn't listen to me." Yet, with some reflection, you will recognize that your "story" has a large subjective component to it. It's not just that he doesn't listen to you. It's also that you feel ignored and discounted. And that these feelings are tough for you to tolerate as they trigger painful memories from childhood.Caught up in our own fictions and feelings, we can be forgiven for not wanting to recognize that our story is not necessarily "the" story. Still, intimate relationships require an openness to changing (or at least modifying) our own story as well as respectfully listening to the other person's story. Your initial assertion about a conflict is paramount. Therefore, avoid opening up a conversation with judgments such as "What's wrong with you?" or "How selfish can you be!" More constructive approaches are:
