Person to Person

"You can never be too careful." "You can never love too much." "You can never watch over your kids enough."Wrong, wrong, wrong. Extremes in parental styles and child-rearing strategies (even when you mean well) often create unexpected problems. Think of your own style. If you have a hunch that you may be an overprotective parent, it's time to acknowledge the troublesome aspects of your approach. Before we begin, let me differentiate between occasionally overprotecting your kids and doing it all the time. Occasionally is no big deal. Kids may resent it, but they'll get over it. However, if overprotection is your modus operandi, don't be surprised if your child reacts as though most situations are dangerous; believes that he isn't capable of handling a situation on his own; or feels that he is not safe in the world without a parent's intervention and protection. Here's why:

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Overprotectiveness deprives kids of the experiences of dealing with their mistakes and errors of judgment. If a parent consistently protects the child from taking responsibility for mistakes and poor judgment, the child doesn't learn the consequences of his own behavior. He just assumes that Mom or Dad will always be there to bail him out of whatever trouble he's in. Once this pattern is established, don't be surprised if your kid blames you for every mistake he makes.

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Overprotectiveness creates a false sense of security. Kids can develop an exaggerated sense of their parents' omnipotence. Mom and Dad can fix anything. The result: Shock, dismay and an inability to cope when his parents can't protect him from a frustrating or painful experience.

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Overprotectiveness deprives kids of the opportunity to assess risks, manage challenging situations, learn coping skills and develop confidence. Children need experience in assessing risks. They need to assess gradations of danger, learning to make appropriate decisions based upon the subtleties of the situation. Many parents thwart this process by presenting all-or-nothing statements (this is safe, that is dangerous) that are more appropriate for preschoolers than for older kids and adolescents.

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Overprotectiveness deprives kids of viewing their parents as realistic role models. Kids know intuitively that they will never get what they want from life without taking risks. They know that the benefits of risk can be enormous. If parents do not honestly speak about their own lives, they don't share what they themselves have learned about risk-taking, such as calculating the costs and benefits of taking a risk or creating a balance between excitement and safety. When overprotectiveness results in nervous, fearful or unable-to-cope kids, it's usually not because the parents have been negligent or unconcerned. On the contrary, it's often because parents are too concerned, too worried, too protective of their kids. Ironically, being too careful can be risky in its own right, helping to foster children who cannot cope with the inevitable hardships, frustrations and adversities of life.Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice and author of "Master Your Fears: How to Triumph Over Your Worries and Get On With Your Life." She specializes in helping individuals, families and couples overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. She invites you to visit her Website at www.psychwisdom.com Copyright © 2004.