There was a time when kids could be kids. After school, they could play, hang out, ride bikes, create their own games, or do nothing at all. But, that is not today's world. Today's kids don't have a chance to breathe. Their childhoods are spent sweating over schoolwork, homework, tutoring, religious instruction, team sports, music lessons, and more. The quest for success runs the gamut from pre-schoolers who are expected to learn, learn, learn, to high school seniors who are expected to achieve, achieve, achieve. To reinforce these expectations, we constantly measure their success with formal test instruments. This pressure to prove yourself is so intense and so strained that I doubt most adults would tolerate, much less appreciate, such intense scrutiny of their daily accomplishments. What are the consequences of this constant pressure for success on children and adolescents? How does it affect their self-esteem and self-worth? Here's one boy's story:Like many parents, Mike's mom and dad only want the best for their son. They take his education seriously, working with him every evening, making sure that his homework is done properly. Yet, the more they try to help their fourth-grader, the more agitated he becomes. Now, family arguments about homework are part of the nightly routine. After one particularly bad melt-down, his mom asked me to speak with Mike. Mike opened up right away. He wanted to talk about his worries. His biggest fear was "letting his parents down" because his grades weren't good enough. He said he tried hard to get good grades, but "sometimes I just can't think any more." Mike was so upset about his grades that I decided to explore the matter further. "What does it mean to you when you get a bad grade," I asked him. "It means that I'm not doing as well as I should be doing," he replied, dejectedly. "And if you don't do as well in school as you should be doing?" "I won't get into a top college." "And what would happen if you don't get into a top college?" "I won't be able to provide for my family." "And then?" Mike looked distraught. "Well, they won't have good food to eat or a beautiful house to live in and they won't be able to go on nice vacations and it'll all be my fault." At age 10, this boy is already worried that he'll be a failure in life. Is it because Mike himself created this "good provider-trophy home-top vacation scenario"? I doubt it. Parental expectations, school curriculums and community one-upmanship work hand-in-hand to create unfair and unreasonable pressures on many of our children. And, the tensions these kids feel may have serious consequences. Parents, be careful what you wish for. Though you may want your kid to be among the best and brightest, it's worth reminding yourself (and your child) that success, and especially, academic success, is not the most important goal in life. Your child's emotional health and character development are significantly more important than any grade or SAT score or college acceptance letter.
