Person to Person

Though reaching a landmark age is often announced with a drum roll and celebrated with a big party, it can also feel like a sneak attack. How did I get to be this old? Knowing how old you are does not mean that you are ready to accept it! You may feel alienated from your own age (this is not me!) or you may have some specific complaints or worries, such as, "Oh my God, I see a gray hair"......"I'm almost as old as my father was when he had his heart attack"...."Yikes, I look into the mirror and see my mother's face!" Thirty-year-old John put it this way: "I know I'm an adult. But I don't feel like an adult. I'm just a kid in an adult body. I don't know why everybody can't see that. It's obvious to me. Yet, the other day, this kid in the street called me 'mister' in a way that was befitting to my dad, not me!"Forty-year-old Joan put it this way: "Forty! That's middle aged! When and how did I get to be middle-aged? That's my mother! I'm ready to go out and conquer the world and friends are sending me 'over the hill' birthday cards. There must be a mistake somewhere!" Fifty-year-old Dave put it this way: "AARP had the nerve to send me an invitation to join their organization. What, are they crazy? I'm in the prime of my life. Retirement is 100 years away!" Sixty-year-old Marie put it this way: "I can't believe I'm turning 60. I don't think I look it, act it, think it, or relate to it in any way. But still, last week some kid at the movies gave me a senior citizen ticket. I could have throttled him!"As you can see from these examples, identifying with an age, owning it, making it okay with you doesn't happen instantaneously. Which is understandable. For an age is not just a number, it's also a category, a classification, a role, a part we play in this game of life. Many categories, like gender or race, stay the same throughout a lifetime. Other categories, like religion or marital status, we change because we choose to. But age, age is forced upon us, influencing our expectations of ourselves, altering our assumptions of how we should be living and changing the way people view us. A lot is going on here with a simple change of a digit. So, if you are struggling (either secretly or openly) with getting accustomed to a new age, be reassured. Though it may be more poignant for people at differing ages, some anxiety and turmoil is typical for both men and women, younger and older, neurotic and well composed. A general rule of thumb is that it takes about five years to get used to how old you are. And shortly thereafter, the worries about reaching a new decade begin. Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. Copyright © 2004