Person to Person

There's nothing like a New Year rolling around to remind us of the passage of time, and to get us thinking about how we are using the time that is allotted to us. This particular New Year's, I was celebrating a relative's 50th birthday party in New Orleans. The following day I asked him if he had made any New Year's resolutions. "This year," Bruce said, "I'm thinking about what I want to stop doing, not what I want to be doing." He never did elaborate on what he wanted to stop doing. But I do believe that his way may be a more creative way of looking at things compared to resolving year after year that you will exercise more, eat better, be more patient, and lose that nasty temper of yours - all to no avail. So, let's follow this trend of thought. What do you want to "stop doing" this year? If you did stop doing those things, what might it leave more time for? Here are the ways a few people I know answered these questions. Alicia wants to stop comparing herself to other people. She admits she spends so much time thinking about how others are better, richer, smarter or luckier than her, that it's a real downer. If she stopped this constant comparing, she knows she would be more satisfied and pleased with herself. In those rare quiet moments when her mind settles down, she really does feel appreciative of all she is and all she has. She knows that if she could stop the constant comparing, she would enjoy being with friends more. And, she would be truly happy for them instead of struggling to conceal her feelings of jealousy. Rita would "give her soul" to stop obsessing about numbers that she can't do anything about - particularly her weight and age. All her life she's heard people speak of the importance of being thin and looking young. Everyone she encounters seems to have some advice for her about these matters. Though Rita has tried to follow their advice, the end result is always the same. She gets older and fatter and goes through yet another bout of great unhappiness and dissatisfaction. This New Year, her goal is to stop obsessing about these nonessential numbers and start contemplating about how she'd really like to spend her time. Ken's wish is to stop creating guilt trips for himself. Though from the outside he has a calm and composed manner, deep in the crannies of his mind, guilt rules. "If I could stop the guilt trips," Ken says, "my other trips would be so much more pleasurable. I could go on a vacation and enjoy it; the hell with the work I left behind. Or, I could go on a shopping trip and appreciate what I bought instead of having buyer's remorse and feeling guilty about the money I spent." Now how about you? Perhaps you've made some resolutions for the New Year. If you have, reflecting on what you wish to do differently is only half of the equation. The other half is reflecting on what you want to stop doing. Addressing both of these realms will help you gain a richer perspective on how to spend your most precious and perishable resource, which the New Year keeps reminding us, is time. Linda Sapadin, Ph.D, is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. Copyright © 2003.