By: Linda Sapadin, Ph. D.
Some folks have a pretty easy time being with others. It's no big deal for them to meet new people, chat about themselves, ask others questions about their lives or attend a social function alone. Other people, however, can die a thousand deaths in such situations. These are the people who are shy, introverted and socially anxious.
More than anything else, socially anxious people suffer. They suffer because they are not hermits, content to live in isolation on a mountain top. Though they don't necessarily want to be the life of the party, they definitely would like to be more at ease in their social world.
Here are the voices of a few socially anxious people who were able to tell me about their inner experiences:
"I feel like an idiot when I'm with people I don't know very well. I usually get nervous and very self-conscious. I mumble my words or talk so low that people can't really hear me. I know I should speak up but I seem powerless to change."
"I'm a perfectionist which makes everything worse when I'm in a social situation. I have a million thoughts roaming around in my head and can't shut them up. I'll be thinking: Do I look all right? How is my hair? I hate that I'm so short. I should lose 20 pounds, I should have worn the other outfit. Should I go over and introduce myself to that guy? What would I say? Why would he pay any attention to me anyway?"
"My shyness is absolutely agonizing to me. I want to reach out and be friendly but I have a very hard time doing it. When I'm with others, my mind goes blank. I can think of nothing to say. After the fact, I think of a hundred things I could have said and I kick myself. It's so damn frustrating!"
The typical characteristics of social anxiety are:
n Intense anxiety in social or performance situations, particularly when one is with unfamiliar people.
n Excessive fear of being scrutinized or criticized by others.
n A desire to avoid situations in which the anxiety takes place.
n Strong personal discomfort in social settings, expressed as agitation, belligerence, withdrawal, silence, panic or compulsion to leave.
Can social anxiety be treated? Certainly. Not all socially anxious kids grow up to be socially anxious adults. And many famous people have described themselves as shy and introverted, when you would never, ever suspect it. So, what can you do to ease your own social anxiety (or your kids')? Here are some ideas:
n Accept your social anxiety as a part of you that is not so terrible. Instead of emphasizing the fearfulness, try thinking about yourself as a person who is slow to warm up to new people, places and situations. Give yourself time to adjust to a new situation instead of demanding that you be comfortable right off the bat.
n Slow down the critical internal monologue ("I'm no good at this. What should I say?") that makes socializing so difficult. Focus less on yourself, more on the other person. Develop a few interesting questions that make the first steps more comfortable. Once you get beyond the initial fear, your anxiety will probably not be as strong.
n Everything in life requires risk. If you are socially anxious, you must push yourself to take the risk of being with others. Opening up slowly and carefully to other people is preferable to avoiding them, which will only increase your fear.
n Try to determine what exactly it is that you fear. Chances are you're afraid that others will make you feel ashamed or embarrassed, by rejecting, ignoring or criticizing you (as perhaps some people did earlier in your life). Remind yourself that most people are kind and not looking to hurt you and that if they do, you won't fall apart. Others do not scrutinize you as much as you scrutinize yourself. So even if you make a faux pas, it's not going to be as big a deal in their minds as it is in yours.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual and family therapy as well as personal coaching.
