By: Linda Sapadin
As a result, she has lived her life feeling that she has few choices and takes as gospel the importance of fulfilling her responsibilities and duties. Her 12-year-old daughter Kelly is being raised in an era in which there is a great deal of value placed on the "naming and claiming" of personal feelings, desires and needs while placing little emphasis on personal responsibility, duty and obligation. She believes that just because she is a kid does not mean that anybody (including her parents) should be able to make her do things she doesn't want to do.This difference in philosophy has led to a multitude of battles.Here's one example:It was 5 P.M. Nancy had just returned from work and found her daughter on the computer. "Have you done your homework yet?" Nancy asked hesitantly."Not yet," Kelly answered. "I'm online. I'll do it later." "How about turning off the computer and starting your homework now?" Nancy suggested."Ma, you're bothering me," Kelly replied. "I'm talking to my friends. I need privacy."Taken aback by this reversal of power, Nancy didn't know what to say. Her stomach was in knots as she meekly acquiesced, "Okay, honey. We'll talk later."Later, however, never happened. Kelly was on the computer until dinner time. After dinner, Nancy inquired again about whether Kelly had done her homework. When Kelly mumbled "yeah, Ma," Nancy didn't know whether to believe her or not. She remained silent, however, because she knew what would ensue. Her daughter would cop an attitude, saying something like, "You don't trust me," "You treat me like a baby," "I don't have to," "You're such a control freak," and a nasty argument would ensue.Nancy, overwhelmed by her daughter's temperament, has relinquished her role power, which is the power she is entitled to because she's the parent. Kelly has usurped the power in the relationship by asserting her personal power, which is the power she sustains because she feels as though she has a right to it.The problems in this relationship will get worse over time unless some aspects of it change. The recommended changes are not simply a reversal of power. There's no way that Kelly is going to say, "Yeah mom, it's okay if you ignore my feelings, stomp all over my rights and treat me like your property." But, there's also no way that Nancy is going to feel okay when her daughter treats her without respect, intimidates her and shuts her out of her life.It's not easy to transform a conflicted relationship between mother and daughter, but it is possible. There are tools and techniques to learn that will reduce the tension, improve the communication and bring about a more constructive connection. And even if Kelly is not willing to discuss it, at times it takes only one to tango.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist who works with individual, families and couples. © Copyright 2003.
