By Doug Miller
He grew up comfortably in Oceanside. His parents owned an art gallery in Long Beach, and they belonged to the Chamber of Commerce. He went to the best schools, became a psychotherapist, adopted a child and has settled nicely into the Long Beach scene. It has been an idyllic life.
Even when Page came out as a homosexual to his family, to his friends - even to his grandmother - he was lovingly accepted. Life's been good.
But Page said he knows not everyone is so fortunate.
Suburbs can be lonely places to grow up - even more so for people who come to find out they're different.
In fact, Long Beach boasts one of the larger gay communities on Long Island, Page said, but somehow there is no gay "community" there. It's more of a diaspora, in which many gay people live in isolation, often unaware that a potential mate could be right down the street.
For Long Island's gay population, often the only way to find other gay people is in the dark and anonymous bars of New York City. And the casual relationships formed there can be fleeting and empty, especially for people looking for something real.
So last year, Page, 48, founded Deeper Dating, a program of events in which adults gather and try to learn something about one another rather than simply engaging in primal and awkward dating rituals. The program is designed to build trust and self-esteem, to overcome deeply rooted fears of rejection, and ultimately to give participants the tools they need to form and maintain lasting, fulfilling relationships.
Participants may discover that the people who run the events occasionally use clinical jargon, but, Page said, ultimately the events are designed to be casual, educational and fun. "There's tons of food and laughter," he said. "The worst thing that happens is people usually find something out about themselves while having fun."
What pass for rules at these events are designed to help grease the wheels. After people participate in little get-to-know-you exercises and games, there is usually a good deal of electricity in the air. Most people know exactly who they'd like to get to know early on, and there is a point at which participants are allowed to approach one another to exchange phone numbers.
But participants may not ask for phone numbers, and if offered one they must accept it politely and say thanks. Branching out from approaching the usual "type" is encouraged. The idea is to overcome the fear of rejection while developing a sense of fellowship.
A blogger who attended a Deeper Dating event in New York City posted a critical report of his experience on a Web site, offering an unprintable account of the phone-number-exchange ritual and saying he was disappointed that he went home empty. He gave out no numbers, he wrote, and received none.
But a reader responded with this: "I know it sounds odd, but I do agree with the whole thank-you thing. You are telling the universe that you are appreciative, and it does come back. Even though at the moment it seems a bit trite. Your renewed self-image and esteem seems to be working."
Page laughed when he was read this critique of the system, and said the phone-number exchange was a ritual gay people should be accustomed to. "It's like an initiation, like when you first came out," he said. "It's full of excitement but requires a great deal of existential bravery."
The Deeper Dating Web site (www.deeperdating.com) promises patrons they will be introduced to people who share "deeper values," such as personal growth, spirituality, creating family and community and/or recovery.
The "and/or" is interesting. The recovery referred to, of course, is the recovery offered to alcoholics and people with other addictions through such methods as 12-step programs. Page said this is a frequently traveled road for many modern gay people - who find the programs after surviving rocky adolescences - but that membership in AA or NA or any other recovery programs is not required, and there is no step-work involved.
"Recovery is part of many people's spirituality and personal growth," Page said. "People who are recovering have committed to stopping their destructive behavior and then to becoming quality people, and these events are for people who want to meet other quality people."
Deeper Dating, begun in New York City, has expanded to Chicago and Boston. And it's growing beyond geography. Deeper Dating events that cater to just men, just women - even straight people - are coming.
The first Long Island Deeper Dating session will be held June 18 at 7 p.m. at the Pride for Youth headquarters, 2050 Bellmore Ave. in Bellmore. Admission is $20 and includes refreshments. The event is open to gay men and lesbians 21 and older.
The location is not a coincidence. All the profits from the session will go to Pride For Youth (PFY), a project of the Long Island Crisis Center that provides services and advocacy for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) youth. Founded in 1993, PFY is dedicated to improving the health and wellness of LGBT adolescents through education, supportive services and youth development. Over the years, Pride For Youth has grown into a multiservice organization addressing many of the needs of LGBT youth and their families.
Eventually, Page said he'd like to make Deeper Dating a monthly event at the Bellmore location, with 10 percent of future profits going to PFY. Page is a member of the organization's advisory board.
Comments about this story? DMiller@liherald.com or (516) 569-4000 ext. 213.
