By:Linda Sapadin
Oftentimes people make choices that satisfy them for the moment but make them feel pretty miserable in the long run.
Joanne, a compulsive overeater, admits that "when I feel depressed, I turn to comfort food to make me feel better."
Robert, an "occasional alcoholic," concedes that "after a frustrating day at work, I stop for a few drinks to relax me. Yeah, that means I may arrive home somewhat plastered, but I've got to find some way to unwind."
Denise, a not-so-secret shopaholic, confesses that "when I feel empty inside, I fill myself up by going shopping. Buying myself things makes me feel instantly better."
These short-term solutions are a way of self-medicating. We feel depressed, angry, frustrated, empty and we can't tolerate those feelings. So we fill ourselves up with something that makes us feel better for the moment, but does nothing to solve our life's problem. Indeed, eventually these "quick fixes" tend to make us feel even worse.
As Joanne seeks to treat her depression with comfort food, she creates a deeper difficulty. Thirty pounds overweight, she now hates herself for being "fat and ugly." Feeling bad only increases her urge to "pig out on chocolate and ice cream." Though she acknowledges her role in creating the results that are her life, she has not learned to choose wisely for the long term.
The more Robert drinks, the more frustrated he feels with his job and with life in general. Drinking relaxes him to the point that he can return home to be with his family, but he feels just as frustrated as ever. Though the alcohol guarantees him a short term fix, it prevents him from thinking clearly about what he wants and how to go about getting it.
When Denise looks in her closet and sees the excess of clothes she has accumulated, a wave of shame hits her. "What am I doing with my life?" she ponders. Yet when that feeling of emptiness returns, she's quick to hit the stores and shop till she drops. Shopping is the only thing she knows which makes her feel alive and passionate. She desperately needs to reclaim her right to those feelings while finding other ways to express her passion.
These three people are stuck in an unhappy cycle. No matter how much food, drink or clothes they consume, it won't solve anything in the long run because these things have absolutely nothing to do with what they are really longing for.
If you have a pattern of solving your problems with a quick fix rather than looking for what you really need, you must reverse the direction. Look inward. Ask yourself questions like the following: How did I get into this situation? What choices did I make that directly led to the feelings I have? What are my options now? What changes can I make in order to improve my situation? Do I need to start acting differently? Do I need to stop certain old behaviors?
Yes, I know these are tough questions to answer honestly. It's so much easier to dismiss the questions or just to blame someone else for all your difficulties. However, you will never, ever resolve your problems by being the perennial victim. And you will never, ever resolve your problems by simply turning to your favorite "quick fix."
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual and family therapy as well as personal coaching. Copyright 2001
