By:Linda Sapadin
She says: "I can't let Todd walk home from school by himself. It's just not safe on the streets."
He says: "You're much too worried about things. Nothing's going to happen. We live in a safe neighborhood."
She says : "You're clueless. You have no idea what's happening on the streets in this 'safe' neighborhood."
He says: "You make too big a deal about everything. Let him grow up. When I was his age, I was taking the subway to Manhattan."
She says (shaking her head in disbelief): "You're unbelievable. What world are you living in?"
He sees himself as optimistic and sees her as overprotective. She views herself as realistic and views him as out-of-touch.
Is it better to be optimistic or realistic? An optimistic outlook assumes the best possible outcome, taking for granted that things will work out okay. A realistic outlook assumes that there are problems that one must prepare for and try to prevent. Does realism and optimism have to be in conflict? Is there such a thing as realistic optimism?
Before I address these questions, let's take a closer look at what is meant by being realistic. The assumption of realism is that you've got the "accurate facts" and the "good judgment" to recognize the problems that may occur in any situation. After assessing the "facts," it may seem obvious that prudent steps should be taken to assure safety. Thus, if "he" thinks differently, "she" may believe he's ignorant or just doesn't care. Yet, she may not be aware that people of good sense and good judgment often interpret the same "facts" differently, thereby arriving at different conclusions about what's realistic.
With this in mind, let's now look more closely at "realism" in the above example. If mom feels that Todd cannot walk home from school by himself, is she actually making things safer for him? Or, is she ultimately making things more dangerous for him, now or in the future, by limiting his experiences of negotiating his physical and social world?
I don't know the "right" answer, but I do know that the truth of the matter is often fuzzy. As a result, it's frequently a good idea to be
"realistically optimistic." This type of optimism is not self-deception (my kid wouldn't get into any trouble). Nor is it pollyannish (nothing bad could ever happen here). Nor is it apathy (don't worry about anything). Rather, realistic optimism is being aware of negative possibilities yet focusing, hoping and aspiring for the best possible outcome -- with periodic reality checks.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual and family therapy as well as personal coaching. Copyright 2001
