By: Linda Sapadin
You've tried to do everything you know but you're still stuck. You've read a few self-help books. You've confided in a trusted friend. You've watched Dr. Phil. You've been a fervent fan of Oprah. Lots of things they say make sense. Yet nothing seems to work for any length of time. What to do?I am not going to solve your gridlock in one column, but I can share with you a concept that might get you thinking. This new perspective requires you to look inward, be honest with yourself and squash that so prevalent urge to simply blame the other person.Let's begin at the beginning. An intimate relationship is formed because of many positive vibes. It's not only the hormones, it's also the caring, acceptance, attention, interest, love, excitement, vitality, zip, zest and everything else that feels delicious. Life has never been better.Yet over time, you may notice that your relationship has changed. Those joyous qualities are not only waning, they are being replaced with criticism, annoyance, blaming, nagging, disappointment, anger and unacceptable behavior. A simple example: She complains that he doesn't do what he promised he would do. He complains that she's a nag, always pestering him to do something. And the conflict continues, unresolved. Instead of feeling betrayed by this change in your relationship, it would be good if you recognize that this type of change is normal and typical - with the proviso that the conflict and mutual negativity do not get out of hand. Why is this normal? Two reasons. 1. Intimate relationships are dynamic and ever-changing. They need to adjust to new circumstances (some of them quite challenging). This puts strain on the relationship and requires each individual to adapt to the change. Not always easy to do!2. Intimate relationships are often constructed on a bed of illusions. As time progresses, your illusions bump into reality. It may be hard to forgive your partner for not being who you thought (s)he was - or should be. Rather than insisting that your illusions endure, it is best to buckle down and put effort into getting to know - and appreciate - your
real partner. If cynicism has gotten the better of you, however, this may be difficult to do. If you want your relationship to survive and thrive, it is critical that you become adept at dealing with change and adapting to new realities.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, couples and families. Copyright © 2003
