By: Linda Sapadin
They know that they come from somewhere; they belong to a family, a community, a group which provides them with caring and with a foundation in which they receive nourishment and sustenance to grow. When kids grow up with roots that are unhealthy or absent, they frequently become lost souls. They don't know where they belong, what they should value or who they should admire. It's not unusual for these kids to feel alienated from their families, from society, even from themselves, because they don't feel that they really belong anywhere. Drugs and alcohol are a big lure to these young people, for an altered state of consciousness eases their chronic pain.Roots, even healthy roots, however, are not enough. Kids also need wings. Without wings, they are afraid to venture far, not daring to leave the nest, actually or metaphorically. These kids are often uncomfortable with risk and change and people and situations that are different. They may dream, but they don't dare enact their dreams. They squash new ideas; they shy away from challenge; they avoid adventure. They are old before their time.Art is a good example of a young man who had strong, healthy roots but only fledgling wings. Art had always been his parents' dream son, so you can imagine their surprise when after graduating from college with good grades and a business degree, he returned home - to hibernate. Both his parents pressured him to get up in the morning at a decent hour, go to the gym, look for a job, apply to graduate school or at the very least - "just do something." Art, however, ignored them, saying he didn't know what he wanted to do. Eventually, they talked him into working in the family business. While that seemed to resolve things for awhile, his mom noticed that Art was unhappy, lethargic and just did not seem to be himself. His mom then suggested therapy as an option.In a safe and secure environment, it did not take Art long to express what was bothering him. First, he felt guilty. He knew his parents had done everything for him, giving him the best in life. Yet, he said, "when does it get to be my life? They mean well, but I just don't know. I don't want to be a clone of my father. I don't want to do what my mother expects me to do. But I don't know how to break out of this web that I'm in."It took time and courage for Art to get to know who he was, what he thought, what he wanted out of life. A year later, he left the family business, traveled on his own for six months and worked short-term jobs to earn enough money so that he could live independently. A year later, he applied to a graduate program in journalism, though he is still not sure if he will pursue that career. Although Art feels guilty about disappointing his parents, he's not stopping himself from doing what he needs to do. And, when he can stop thinking so reflexively, he is able to acknowledge that his parents are no longer disappointed; they now see Art as a guy who is not going to be in business, or a doctor or a lawyer or an accountant. And maybe he won't even be a journalist. But they understand that he is a good person and needs to find his own way in life. Today, Art has strong roots and strong wings. He still wishes, however, that he would have gotten his wings many years earlier. "It would have saved me a bundle of grief; but, better late than never," Art said.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, couples and families. ©Copyright 2003.
