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If they ate whatever they pleased, most would only eat fast food and sweets. If they created their own bedtime, they would be cranky, crabby and generally unfit for family living the next day. If they washed whenever they wanted to, they'd be pretty dirty, smelly little urchins. If they kept their stuff anyway they wanted to, their room (plus every other room in the house) would be chaotic, disorganized and in turmoil. And so a parent's job, whether they like it or not, is to help their kids develop some sense of order and regulation in their lives, so that good habits are developed and every little thing is not a new decision or a constant struggle. Of course, most kids are not crazy about parents regulating what they can do or can't do. They dream of the day when they can get their parents off their back and do as they damn well please. And that day eventually comes - typically when they are in college or earning their own money. Many kids at that time indulge in excesses - eating, drinking, drugging, staying up late, partying, casual sex, and indiscriminate spending. Their parents typically frown upon this behavior yet they also accept that this is "what kids do" (unless things really get out of hand). For the most part, parents accept it because they hope and pray and trust that their kids will outgrow these kinds of excesses, eventually realizing that they need to "self-regulate." Not because mom or dad tells them so, but because they finally get it that: If you consistently eat whatever you damn well please, you'll eventually be unhappy with the way you look and feel. If you consistently stay up as late as you want, the next day you're going to be one bleary-eyed, grouchy dude. If you consistently impulsively spend money on stuff, you won't have money when you really want it or need it. If you consistently party, you may find yourself kicked out of the school that you worked so hard to get into. But in order for one to appreciate the importance of
self-regulation, one needs to differentiate it from
self-deprivation. If you say "no" to a fast food diet, you're not depriving yourself; you're saying "yes" to a healthier body. If you say "no" to having one more drink, you're not depriving yourself; you're saying "yes" to a clear head the next day. If you say "no" to impulse spending, you're not depriving yourself; you're opting for having money available for other purposes. When you have learned to self-regulate, lots of things become easy. Choices are made that satisfy your long-term and short-term needs as well as your self-esteem. If, on the other hand, you mistake self-regulation for self-deprivation (why can't I do this, have this, buy this), then it will be no surprise if you often feel resentful, discontent and victimized.
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. © Copyright 2002
