The Hebrew Academy of Nassau County teamed up with the West Hempstead School District on Feb. 2 to deliver a presentation on raising empowered children through positive discipline.
Dozens of people attended the event, which was held at the HANC Reinstein Family Campus, at 240 Hempstead Ave. in West Hempstead.
Rabbi Shimmy Trencher, a licensed social worker, shared his presentation, titled “The Empowered Child: Nurturing Self-Esteem, Self-Efficacy, and Positive Discipline.” He defined self-esteem and how to instill it in children — even while disciplining them — and provided a framework for understanding misbehavior.
“We’re living in a moment where self-esteem, resilience, and healthy discipline are not just timely topics, they’re essential,” Rabbi Ouriel Hazan, HANC’s head of school, said. “We’re all looking for that magic space where we can connect to our children in a healthy way.”
Trencher, a child and family therapist specializing in behavior, has more than 20 years of experience and is a certified instructor in redirecting children’s behavior approach.
He emphasized that while these steps and frameworks are available to guide parents, they may not work for every child or family. He suggested attendees listen, learn and take with them the tips and tricks that they think will help them.
“Parenting is a real challenge,” Trencher said. “From moment to moment, from day to day, we try things, things work, we lose our cool, we’re frustrated, and our children are resilient. Tomorrow is a new day to try some new things.”
He began the presentation by explaining the difference between self-efficacy and self-esteem. Self-efficacy is one’s belief in their ability to successfully perform a specific task or behavior, while self-esteem refers to a person’s confidence in their worth, value and competence.
“We ideally want our kids to have strong self-efficacy, to feel like they can do something,” Trencher said, “but to also have a high-level of self-esteem, to feel good about themselves.”
He made sure the crowd understood that discipline isn’t just about the incident, but also teaching the child. “It’s about allowing them to develop their level of responsibility,” he said. “We’re training our kids to become productive, responsible adults.”
Trencher discussed nine methods to raise an empowered child by building self-esteem and using positive discipline.
These methods included respecting developmental stages — encouraging parents to be aware of what is considered normal behavior for the child’s age and abilities so they don’t discipline their child for developmentally appropriate behaviors — and using encouragement instead of praise — focusing on the child’s effort and instilling a trust of themselves by highlighting their internal validation over your external praise.
He encouraged parents to offer “genuine encounter moments” and show their children unconditional love. GEMs, coined by psychologist Dorothy Briggs, refer to moments of real connection between children and parents. By giving your child your full attention — listening to them, engaging with them, and sharing experiences — you build trust and emotional security with the child.
“There’s so much going on, and it’s so hard for us to focus, which is why doing this consciously and choosing to make time for this goes a long way,” Trencher said.
Trencher also discussed the four misdirected goals of behavior. According to psychologist Rudolf Dreikurs, children’s misbehavior is often aimed at meeting an underlying need.
“If you can figure out what that need is, then you could discipline differently based on that need and improve the child’s behavior,” Trencher said, suggesting to identify the goal of the behavior by how the child’s actions make the parent feel.
Children seeking power may feel they must be in control to belong, and may argue or defy requests. This may make their parents angry and feel challenged, but to address the behavior, parents should present their children with choices so they feel in charge of the outcome, Trencher said.
When children seek attention, they may associate it with their value and exhibit attention-seeking behavior to engage an adult’s focus, Trencher added. When a parent is busy, the child may feel irritated or annoyed but the parent can express love for the child without attention, such as showing physical affection.
If children feel hurt or rejected, they may become intentionally hurtful and seek revenge through their words, actions or withdrawal. This may cause their parents to feel hurt, offended, shocked or personally attacked, but they must validate their children’s feelings and work to maintain their relationship, he added.
Children expressing avoidance by refusing to try or appearing helpless when presented with a task may feel they’re incapable of completing that goal. Parents may feel inclined to rescue their children or lower expectations, but instead of being discouraged, they should break things down into smaller steps.
At the end Trencher answered questions from parents, who wanted to know how to apply the lessons in their lives.
