relationship?It's one that thrives on high drama and unpredictable emotional outbursts. Though smiling and loving one moment, suddenly either partner can become abusively critical, resulting in an emotional roller coaster ride that never seems to come to a halt.What is the recipe for a 'shock and awe' relationship?Take two persons, each of whom is convinced of his/her 'righteousness.' Sprinkle in a serious case of spousal deafness.A dose of disillusionment.A dash of righteous indignation.Plenty of "should haves" and "should not haves."Stir for a good 30 minutes. While stirring vigorously, replay the latest incident in your mind. Do not let go.For a hyped up appetite, add at least a smattering of: "driving me nuts," "totally unfair," "crazy," "outrageous," "who does this?" "don't give a damn," "dead wrong" and whatever else you feel like at the moment. Don't forget to add a dusting of curses and pejorative labels for a truly hot and spicy dish.Being the creative person you are, don't be afraid to add your own special ingredients to this recipe. Go ahead! You're doing a heck of a job!And don't be concerned if some people don't like your recipe. They are bland people who give in, don't take risks, cut and run. What wimpy folks! That's not you. You believe in yourself. You don't back down. You don't heed the critics who cannot appreciate that 'shock and awe' is often necessary to achieve whatever you feel is right. What is the Law of Cumulative Effect? Shock and awe relationships feed on the Law of Cumulative Effect. This undeniable law (like the law of gravity) states that behavior that is repeated over and over again creates less and less tolerance in the other person, thus causing increasingly intense retaliatory responses.Like when your spouse didn't do the right thing. The first time it happened, you got a little miffed. The second time, you were vexed. The third time annoyed. From then on, it quickly moved to being offended, insulted, outraged, enraged. Then where else can you go? What else can you do? It's time for shock and awe! Ironically, in shock and awe relationships, both warring parties have similar frames of references, based on either-or dichotomous thinking. Only two choices. Saint or sinner; right or wrong; good or evil; behaving badly (but forced into it) or behaving badly (but without cause or context). Few people involved in shock and awe relationships are even mildly aware of the extent of their participation and contribution. It's always the other guy's fault. It began with something he/she did. And any offending actions of yours are perfectly justified as they were only undertaken because you had to defend yourself. Like in politics, 'shock and awe' strategies can indeed lead to a short term 'mission accomplished.' But long-term, well that's another story. Shock and awe tactics simply breed contempt, resentment, bitterness and never-ending battles with no end in sight. Copyright 2006Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in helping people build competence, enrich relationships and overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior.You can contact her at DrSapadin@aol.com or visit her website at www.psychwisdom.com
