By: Linda Sapadin
Let's look at three different types of responses.
Scenario 1- Nothing is as frightening to a child as his own parents' fear. Five -year-old Jeremy says, "I know bad things are happening because mommy and daddy are worried and talking about how scared they are." When I asked him what they were scared of, he replied, "Mommy's scared that lots of people are going to die and Daddy is scared that bad people will come and hurt us because we live so close to New York City." Jeremy has been in the room when news stories about the war are on. He has seen pictures of bombs and bad guys in the newspaper. He has heard the agitation in his parents' voices, seen their worried faces and has picked up snippets of their conversations. The result: Jeremy is very anxious about the war, or, more accurately, he is very anxious about his parents' response to the war. He is worried that they are worried. But he doesn't say anything, because he doesn't want to worry them even more. He is left to cope with his feelings alone, on his own. Scenario 2- Erica is in 10th grade. Her parents are trying hard to protect her from all the terrible things that have happened in the world since 9/11. When she asks her mom whether there will be more terrorist attacks or whether she thinks this war will kill millions, her mother responds, "Oh, honey, don't worry. Whatever is happening is far away and won't affect us." Her dad reinforces his wife's approach. He told his daughter, "You don't need to be concerned. There are high security measures in effect; another terrorist attack will not happen here." Erica doesn't know what to think. Her parents are too intent on protecting her from events that everyone is talking about. It reminds her of the morning of September 11th, when all the kids knew something really awful had happened but none of the teachers would tell them what it was. "It's so stupid when adults think we shouldn't know what's happening." Erica said, clearly annoyed. "Kids just a little bit older than me are the ones doing the fighting. And they think I shouldn't even concern myself about it?"Scenario 3- Both mom and dad feel intense fear about the state of the world, but express their anguish only with each other or with other adults. When speaking to their school-age children, they offer a more measured response. They answer their children's questions honestly, but in age appropriate language, not going into more detail than their kids need to know. They are sensitive not only to the age of their child but also to the sensitivity of that child. They offer reassurance, but do not lie about what's going on. They do not minimize what is happening nor maximize it. They are aware of how much exposure their kids are getting from newspapers, TV and internet and may seek to limit it, if they feel that the exposure is creating a contagious sense of panic. The result: Their children are aware of what's happening in the world. They feel free to talk to their parents about it. They can feel fear without letting the fear take over their lives. If you are worried about how to talk to your kids about the war in Iraq, make sure that you are not using the underprotective or overprotective approach. Use scenario 3 as your guideline and your intuition will help you through the rest.
© Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. Copyright 2003
