By: Linda Sapadin
Though they may worry about you and though they may wonder whether you have given enough thought to the consequences of your choice, they will support whatever you decide is best. Critics, even those who love you, will be disparaging about what you decide to do. They have their set ideas as to what's right and what's wrong. Choosing a path contrary to what they think is right will set in motion a barrage of criticism or judgmental silence. Benevolent critics are those who wish you well but, nevertheless, can't stop themselves from carping, nitpicking, or disapproving of your decision. Malevolent critics are bullies who will let you have it with both barrels, belittling or ridiculing you for your "stupidity".If you want to be kind to yourself, and I hope you do, always tell your supporters about your decision before you tell your critics. Make sure you choose a good time and place to initiate your conversation. Tell your story in a way that emphasizes your reasons for coming to your decision. You will get much more support if you do not act like you just impulsively decided to drop out of school or seek a divorce for the hell of it. Be aware that if you are taking people by surprise, they will most likely have questions for you that you should entertain. Answering their questions will help them better understand the pros and cons of your decision and the emotional turmoil that you have been going through. When it is time to approach your critics, make sure you are feeling strong about yourself and your decision. Create a time and a place to talk where you will have an escape route if the criticism gets too harsh. Expect the person you are telling to act "in character." That is, if he gets outraged about people who "waste their money on therapy," expect him to be outraged at you. If she thinks people who quit their jobs without having another job are "out of their minds," expect her to think the same about you. If you are afraid that you won't be able to handle what the person may dish out, consider having your conversation in the presence of a supporter. Though some critics will never give up, some do become supporters. This generally happens when:
n
They have had time to adjust to what you told them.
n
They become more appreciative of why you made your decision -or-
n
They become aware that the long-term benefits outweigh the short-term difficulties.If your critics are malevolent, however, do not waste your time trying to get them to approve of you or your decision. It will be a useless exercise that will be demeaning, frustrating and exhausting to you. Instead, keep your distance. Demand respect. Don't take the bait. Don't get into a tug-of-war game. And give up explaining or defending what you are doing. Be your own supporter! Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice who works with individuals, families and couples. Copyright © 2003
