Surviving the Teen Years

Do you hope that this new identity would result in his renouncing his awful behavior? Or that this new identity just might get her to shut her mouth for once and show some respect?You are not alone.Last I checked, however, there is a twenty year waiting list for this program. So, unless you have significant connections, you've simply got to do what you've got to do to survive those teen years.Here are some thoughts on the subject.First, be aware that many young people feel absolutely entitled to think their own thoughts, do their own thing, and live their own lives, without any regard for real life perils that scare the hell out of their parents. They think they know it all, and dismiss any negative consequences that might befall them.Now, of course, teens have always rebelled and wanted to do their own thing. But for the most part, they did it behind their parents' back. At least they had the decency to make up a story that they swore was true. "I was just holding the drugs for my friend." "We haven't done any more than kissed." "I'm sleeping at my friend's house." And parents, even if they felt uneasy, could choose to believe what they wanted to believe about their kids.But many of today's kids are out there. There is no ignoring them. They are in your face. They feel entitled. They confront with both barrels."Of course, I'm smoking pot. There's nothing wrong with it. You're such a hypocrite. You smoked pot when you were a kid, now you don't want me to do it. I hate you!""You've no right to check on where I go on the Internet. I'll do what I want to do.""Oral sex is no big deal. It's not even sex. What's your hang-up?""I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you."These kids often blur the distinction between what they are exposed to (on blogs, Websites, TV, movies, music) and what one does in real world living. They reject mainstream values, hooking onto beliefs that are totally alien to how they were raised.So, what's a parent to do? Here are a few guiding ideas to help you cope.Know that you have every right (even an obligation) to express your disapproval. But it's best to do so without hysteria or empty threats. You should, however, say what you think and how you feel about how your kid is behaving. You can also set firm rules about what you will do and won't do in response to transgressions that will have real consequences for your teen.Despite the obnoxious tone of your kid, remember that (s)he is still communicating with you. Sometimes, this communication is actually a circuitous request for you to create limits. How to respond? The best way is an honest way, such as "Though I'm upset with what you're saying, it's good that you're talking with me. I want you, however, to speak to me with respect, even when you're angry. And not just yell at me, but listen to me too."Once you've established ground rules on how you will be spoken to, try to engage your teen in a dialogue. Questions like: "What's it like when you get high? Did you ever sell the drug to others? Did you ever have a bad reaction? What would you do if you did? Are you doing any other drugs? Have you been offered any? How would you know when to say no to an offer?" These questions should not be asked all at once. Otherwise, it will come across as an inquisition.If your kid does respond to any of these questions, listen to his answers without lecturing him. What you are aiming for is to assess how serious the situation is, to improve your communication with him and to encourage your teen to make good decisions. What you are trying to avoid is getting into a head-butting conflict as to whose way is right and whose way is wrong.Now I know that everything I've suggested is not easy to do. Indeed, if you do it all, you will be a candidate for sainthood, for your impulse will be to scream at your kid about how stupid he is, how dangerous his behavior is, how disrespectful she is, how immoral, illegal and wrong her actions are. You will want to ground this kid for the rest of her natural life. But keep in mind that the bottom line is to get your teen thinking about the potential harmful consequences of her behavior, to survive these teen years with your relationship intact, and to get your kid to treat people (including you) with respect.These lessons are more important than whether or not your teen becomes openly rebellious for a period of his life.© Copyright 2005. Linda Sapadin, Ph.D., is a psychologist in private practice who specializes in helping individuals, families and couples overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. She can be reached by e-mail at DrSapadin@aol.com. To read additional columns, visit www.PsychWisdom.com